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Here's an idea . . .
 Every time a government document is leaked, like the latest Bremoaners' ancient guess about what the economy will do over the next 15 years [Hint: worthless. Ed.], then the Cabinet Secretary's pay should drop by 5%. And if there are more than 4 such leaks in a year, bang goes one of his knighthoods. That might convince the blighter to stop playing party politics to his country's detriment.
Lest We Forget
Frauds exposed
Is it possible for people who have been sacked from a public office for corruption to command respect? Likewise, people who have been caught in the act of stealing from the taxpayer with fraudulent expenses claims?
Maybe televised reports from the House of Frauds should include captions with a summary of the speaker's probity rating and the length of the gaol sentence (if one was served) to let people know just how dependable and honest he/she is. |
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 Strike 'youthquake', substitute 'mirage'. It's part of the J. Corbyn legend that he inspired 18-24-year-olds to turn out in record numbers in the last general election. [That's the one he thinks he won. Ed.]
Surprise! It's fake news.
The turnout for that age band was broadly similar to that for the 2015 general election, and the error limits of the guesstimate are such that it could have been even lower — in which case, it was a case of Corby, The Turn-Off!!
British troops were fighting for European values during World War II; as was everyone involved in the European Theatre.
Surprise! They were actually fighting to stop the Germans doing to their country what they'd already done to most of the rest of Europe.
No surprise that this particular load of garbage comes from the teashop of Ireland, which was on the Germans' side during the war. Or that removing borders to turn Europe into a single nation under one flag with a single currency was an idea the Nazis came up with.
MotivateMe: The only difference between 'try' and 'triumph' is a little 'umph'. The only difference between crap and crap is none at all.
InYerFacebuk has acknowledged that it is a vehicle for fake news, misery and toxic outbursts, and it is great for driving sections of society apart and undermining the democratic process. But as there is nothing much that can be done about the above, and it's their moneymaker, we'll just have to thole it.
The notion that every bloody thing we do has to be a 'journey' is getting a bit bloody wearing, if you'll pardon the French.
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Bird lovers
 Lots of people turned up in black outfits to some lovvie awards do at the first weekend of the month. All that public support for the Dirty Birds did the trick and the Atlanta Falcons swanned through the NFL's Wildcard Weekend to get one step closer to another trip to a Super Bowl.
[We shall draw a veil over their shameful collapse against Armstrong Athletic in last year's SB. Ed.]
Come on, Tim!
 The latest British tennis hope, K. Edmund, maintained our heroic tradition in Australia this month. He got to the semi-finals of a major tournament in a froth of meeja attention, and was wiped out.
Was your journey really necessary?
 If it were possible to feel sorry for the appalling Labour chancellor-wannabe J. McDonnell, it would be over his trip to the Big Bash at Davos.
He had to endure the undeserved luxury of a £700/night hotel in the hope of bringing his vision of Venezuela Plus (inflation 13,000%) to the world's leaders in politics and business. But he was parked in a small room off the main drag and just a few meeja hacks looked in on him briefly.
 A black, female James Bond? They'll be wanting to cast a thin black woman as Stout Cortez next.
Eating our way to a warmer world
 Warmists at Manchester University have found the cause of global warming; it's sandwich shops. The worst offenders are sandwiches made with meats, cheese and prawns, and an 'all day breakfast' sandwich is the greatest crime against humanity of all. Apparently, the only way to save the world is for everyone to make their own sandwiches at home using freshly prepared ingredients bought from real food shops.
Frozen doom
We have survived the hysteria of the 'Hockey Team' — the Warmists who used a dodgy mathematical model to predict that global temperatures would shoot up like a rocket-powered lift at the start of the 21st century. Now, we have the other side of the coin on offer.
A maths professor, who has a PhD in astrophysics, has been studying data from the Sun and she is predicting a reduction in its output between 2020 and 2050. Less radiation coming our way from the Sun, of course, means that it will get colder on Earth.
Naturally, the Warmists are lining up to pour scorn on Professor Zharkova's [Yes, okay, she does sound like a character out of Buck Rogers. Ed.] work. But as their standards of probity are far from decent, it looks like we'll just have to wait and see. And make sure there's a fur hat, coat and gloves in the wardrobe, just in case!
 Snow in Florida for the first time in 30 years? And despite global warming, too!
The official advice to people in Florida is to let sleeping iguanas lie. They come to a standstill when the temperature drops below 10 deg.C, but if messed about with, they will bite.
Despite global warming, parts of the United States are experiencing a winter which is colder than anything experienced by NASA's rovers on Mars.
Xtreme weather brought on by man-made global warming means that we are all going to be killed by flying trampolines before the Sun goes into a new Maunder Minimum and we all freeze to death.
Despite global warming, snow has fallen on the northern reaches of the Sahara desert for the second January in succession. Before last year, there had been none since 1979.
Low-lying parts of Switzerland have 'enjoyed' their warmest January since records began in the mid 19th century. If you can call an average temperature of 6 deg.C warm. Frequent warm storms charging in from the Atlantic have blasted stagnant cold air away and prevented it from lingering on the plains, as usually happens.
Higher up, it has been a different story. Parts of the Swiss Alps have 'enjoyed' huge volumes of snow. That's 'enjoyed' in the sense of being able to appreciate being cut off from the rest of civilization for a few days; which is something the good people of places like Zermatt feel comfortable with. They get to enjoy all the snow themselves without tourists getting in the way.
Natural unselection
Wow, gosh! All the trendies are going to die! Why? Because going for a gluten-free diet means they are now scoffing lots more Fat, Sugar and Salt, and that's a lethal combination.
 Even worse is to come; the experts have found that poseurs who don't drink in January are back on the booze with a will as soon as February arrives and the gesture is 'largely pointless'. Like a lot of the posturing that goes on.
[Make that 99.99999% of the posturing. Ed.]
The unconscious cake option
 One of these 'ere studies has found that people who sleep for an extra 20 minutes need less in the way of carbohydrates and they can cut out a whole half a slice of cake from their daily diet.
BFN would like to know if that means that cake-lovers can indulge in an extra slice with a clear conscience if they are prepared to deprive themselves of 40 minutes' sleep. Sounds fair enough!
Another conclusion fromt he study was that sleeping for an extra hour per day can make people incredibly healthy but unbearably grumpy from cake deprivation.
Would you like chips with that?
What can you do with a Christmas tree which is no longer needed, or one which wasn't good enough to sell in the first place? Zoos in Germany have hit on the bright idea of feeding them to elephants and other animals, or using them to decorate animal enclosures.
Apparently, Xmas tree is not seen as a delicacy by the animals but they will eat it, and larger animals can get some useful exercise from tearing the small trees apart. Some animals, e.g. feline predators, like the smell, hence the use as decoration for animal enclosures as well as aviaries.
When in doubt, screw the customers?
 Coca-cola has come up with an interesting response to the government's Sugar Tax on fizzy drinks which are 10% or more of the stuff, which will be introduced in April. Bottle sizes will shrink and prices will go up in March, which means that anyone who buys the stuff will face part 3 of a triple-whammy, come April.
Disgusted of Anywhere
What do veggies and vegans do all day? Apparently, they trawl the www looking for pictures of meat and dairy produce on anti-social meeja so that they can post complaints about how offended they are by the pix. And if you think things are bad now, wait till robots put 60% of people on the scrap heap and the www is positively crawling with offence junkies.
Contrary to what Z-list celebs might tell us, not drinking in January will NOT make you virtuous and a better person. But it might make you rather grumpy.
The Marks & Spencer cauliflower 'steak' has been withdrawn from sale after generating showers of derision.
Whatever you do, DO NOT read what follows
A comedy film made by Scottish writer/director/producer Armando Iannucci called The Death of Stalin has been banned by Russia because it contains information which is illegal to distribute behind the former Iron Curtain. Apparently, no one there is supposed to know that Joe Stalin is actually dead.
Now, Putin owes us
 Great Britain is doing its best for President Putin, despite the distraction of Brexit. The head of our army has branded him Public Enemy No. 1, which lets the Hijo de Putin play the victim card at home big-time. Which means that we are entitled to ask, "What's he going to do for us in return?"
[Hint: wrecking our economy by hacking or bombing us into a new Stone Age won't be appreciated. Ed]
Forgotten lessons of history
 President McRon of France got a trip to the Royal Military Academy at Sandhurst during this month's visit to the south of England. The place is decorated with cannons labelled 'Taken At Waterloo' and there was some speculation as to whether he noticed the notices and took in their significance. The consensus was that he probably just thought we'd got them from the Germans.
Another beauty heard from
 President Trump now has Defiance Disorder, according to the latest Bloke With A Book To Flog. If someone tells the president, "You can't do that." his response is: "Watch me!"
The Corbyn Formula**
UKIP's leader H. Bolton is positioning himself as the new J. Corbyn. The suits and frocks at the top of his party hate him and want him gone but the membership at large loves him. At least, that's what Mr. Bolton is hoping will keep him in the job.
[**No, it's not a new book by Robert Ludlum's ghost. Ed.]
"Our civic nationalism is nothing to do with flags & banners"
The Bitchiness Bug has bitten deep into the backside of Wee Burney Sturgeon. Denied the opportunity to be the first ever president of Scotland by her annoying electorate, she has decided, in a fit of pique, that the Union Flag must be replaced by anything else available when a flag is due to be raised on a Scottish public building on a public occasion; especially on the Queen's birthday.
Dave the Ditched Leader has realized that Brexit isn't going to be the disaster which he assured us it would be. Perhaps he understands now why he was ditched.
Confected beef
There's a woman who has chosen to sue the promoters of a pop concert. She's deaf, so she can't hear the music, but she managed to nag them into hiring a signer to do the headline act. But there wasn't one for the support acts, and that's what beefing about. Pity she didn't take the trouble to look at the words to find out just how banal they are.
 “Let us hope she gets an enlightened judge who will make her pay all the costs with a double victim surcharged tacked on.”
[You dare to put 'enlightened' and 'judge' in the same sentence and expect to be taken seriously? Ed.]
An act in severe need of getting together
 The Germans are famous, if not notorious, for counting things and keeping records. Curiously, however, this doesn't apply to their castles. In a country littered with them, there is no official databank listing location, age, and other fundamental details.
And that is not going to change anytime soon.
Castle counting is associated with high costs and low priorities, with each of the 16 federal states having its own idea about how records should be gathered and maintained. Which is why the experts believe that another decade will have slipped by before any sort of definitive total is reached.
As well as sending out what is just a skeleton staff to visit castles and check records, a certain amount of updating is needed as large numbers of castles have been destroyed and exist only in paper records. Sounds like castle-counting can offer job-security, but combined with stress and not much pay.
Next?
 There are one billion disabled people in the world, according to the WHO. That's 12½% of the planet's population. Which kind of suggests that the human race isn't terribly fit for purpose.
It also suggests that if aliens come here to wipe out the native population so that they can reuse the planet for their own devious purposes, they might be doing the Universe a big favour.
If they are more able than humans, of course.
Fear and trembling in action
The French president, Manny MacRon is so worried about the fake news stories, which the Russian regime plants increasingly when elections are in the offing, that he plans to protect democracy with legislation.
News meeja will be forced to reveal all sponsors of their content and judges will be given powers to order the removal of fake news and block access to websites and antisocial media accounts which spread it.
Germany currently has legislation in place to allow social networks to be fined up to €50 million if they fail to remove fake news promptly.
Nothing like a spot of self-interest
Around 80 of the 200 peers who are trying to prevent news media from investigating corruption, sleaze and crime in political circles have been at it. Their ranks include gaol-birds, expenses fraudsters, corrupt lobbyists, gropers and the like. Apparently crimes which would mean that the perp is out on his/her ear in the real world don't count, as far as membership of the House of Frauds is concerned.
Identity Unseen
 There is a fad for storing books with the spine at the back and the front edges of the pages on show because some trend-setters and exhibitionists think that too many shelves full of books of different colours can make a room look cluttered.
BFN says: The only reason for reversing a book would be to prevent direct sunlight from causing the printing on the spine to fade. Doing it for any other reason could be taken as a sign of mental confusion.
“And if the book owner (rather than book lover) fails to arrange the books in height order across the shelf, that can be taken as a sign of slobbism.”
New century landscaping
 The world is in danger of disappearing under mountains of discarded microwave ovens, the guys who put the 'mental' into environmental are warning us. In the 20th century, people used to keep microwaves for a decade or two. But the modern people of the 21st scrap them; usually in sound working order or with a minor defect; after just a few years.
The Rats are Innocent, OK! (maybe)
The Black Death of the 1340s claimed millions of lives across Europe and parasites carried by rats got the blame for spreading it. But a mathematical model created from those records which have crossed a gap of over 600 years is being used to claim that the plague MAY have been spread by fleas and lice carried by humans.
Nice guess, but quite how anyone is going to prove that without access to a time machine remains unrevealed.
Stuck on you
A reader writes:
“Dear BFN, I noticed a typo in my Sunday Post at the second weekend of the month. 'Holyrood' had come out as 'Holryood', but the print is now so tiny that I couldn't help reading it as 'Hairyood'. Is there anyway to remove from my suffering brain, the distressing images of hairy politicians, which it conjured up?”
 
Not enough fingers and toes?
 As the world looks on with amusement as Labour ties itself in knots over private contractors being used by governments in the wake of the Carillion collapse, it is pertinent to recall that in the Blair/Brown era, Labour went mad for PPI and other ways to get public responsibility off the account books whilst creating the beginnings of the current enormous Brown Hole in the nation's finances.
While all this is going on, no one seems to have done a count of how many former Labour ministers of state moved on to collect huge salaries from private/public sector firms in return for their contacts and inside knowledge. But maybe the problem is that there is no one around who can count that high.
Time to get creative?
President Trump is being terribly cruel to his enemies. He doesn't have dementia and he's overweight rather than obese. Worse, he's going in the wrong direction, weightwise and actually reducing it. So what are his enemies going to do now? About their only choice seems to be to go for broke and produce a birth certificate proving he was born in North Korea.
Bad News: The Beverly Hills Hotel has been a good place to avoid annoying celebs and their hangers-on for the last few years. Unfortunately, they're starting to drift back again.
You just can't win
You do your best to get your party noticed and what's the response? In the case of UKIP leader H. Bolton, he's threatened with the sack for ditching his wife No. 3 for a riotous GF half his age. No gratitude, some people.
In via the back door
Norte Korea is trying to politic its way into the winter Olympics. If it succeeds, what will that say about the Olympic movements standards on drug testing? Just how much official testing has been done in North Korea apart from none? Worse, one of Kim Jong-whoever's best mates, Vlad the Putin, will have a bitter pill to swallow if Kim's people can compete and Vlad's can't because of state-sponsored cheating.
Your call matters to us? Right!
Should we be surprised that HMRC claims that the average waiting time for a phone call to be answered is under five minutes by ignoring the five minutes needed to struggle through automated menus to get on to the caller-waiting loop?
Of course, not. HMRC is a government department and all of them are primarily concerned with creating a false image of competence rather than having anything to do with the truth.
What took everyone so long to spot it?
Wow! It's actually news that people on anti-social media are selling drugs, along with special introductory deals for new customers, and posting pictures of what's on offer. The internet really is the new Wild West, especially as the companies which are profiting indirectly from the drug trade are only platforms rather than publishers.
Non! to a chance to say Oui!
President MacRon has revealed that he isn't planning to give his country a referendum on EU membership because he knows that the perfidious French would vote to leave. Which wouldn't suit him one little bit. He reckons he has more to gain from being Germany's best friend because they are willing to buy his friendship.
We all know what that 'F' means!
 A homeowner in Bath, who became fed up with invading tourists bagging home-front parking places, has come up with an interesting solution to the problem. He or she erected some ‘Residents parking only' signs in a bid to reclaim abused territory. They look just as official as anything attached to lamp posts by the council and they appear to relate to a Zone F, according to the symbol in the bottom-right corner of the signs, which is rather appropriate.
Close, no cigar
An attempt by Pegasus Airlines to test a new sea-going airliner at Trabzon airport in north-west Turkey didn't quite go to plan. The aircraft made a successful landing with 168 passengers aboard but got stuck half-way down its traverse from land to sea on the way to a new marina terminal.
Full circle
 Think-tanks of all political colours are now advocating a universal state-funded wage to smooth the path to automation and robots wiping millions of jobs out of existence. But we all know where this is going — towards agitation by those obliged to work against having to be slaves putting cash into the pockets of the idle millions. MeVictimToo!
Boris Battles On!
Boris Johnson, our revered Foreign Sec., is making himself v. unpopular with Bremoaners by talking about what should happen to the Brexit Bonus; cash which won't be going to the EU when we're out of the grip of the European vampire. And the more annoyed he makes the Bremoaners and the 'hide behind the couchers' like our beloved PM, the better job he's doing!
Weinstein Award
on the way for
Slick Willy?
He's on the short-list.
Eleanor's Passage was . . .
Blackpool might have been blasted a bit but it was just rather noisy rather than seriously windy this far inland. And the streets weren't full of bitz blown off the trees on the main road and the park.
[Which could just be a sign that any loose bitz were blown off by earlier storms and there were none left for Eleanor. Ed.]
The mind boggles
Second Wednesday of the month and the lunchtime BBC local news told us that a woman walked into a police station and said she'd buried someone at a house in the Reddish area of Stockport. What everyone is asking now is: "How did she manage to find a police station that was open!"
Windy Wednesday/Thursday night of the 17th and 18th was a bit noisy in the early hours of Thursday but no snow and still a surprising lack of tree debris on the pavements later on Thursday morning. [Unless it was all blown into the next county. Ed.]
We're pals now; We hate you!
North Korea has come up with an interesting new tactic in its war with America; chumming up to South Korea, which has been somewhat critical of the current White House regime. Clearly, Kim Jong-whoever thinks he can unify the Korean area by getting everyone into an alliance against President Trump!
Bragging rights!
From the New Year outpourings of the twits, we learnt that President Trump has a bigger nuclear button than Kim Jong-whoever — and his works. Despite Brexit, welcome to 2018!
Daft Sower, Grime Reaper
One of the BBC's politicos, A. Marr, had a stroke in 2013 after trying to do three miles in 20 minutes on a gym rowing machine. Five years on, he was twitting the PM with a claim that if he'd done the same now, he might not have survived.
But as he went out of his way to put himself in harm's way before the stroke, perhaps someone needs to point out to Mr. Marr that he's no better than the drunks who clog up hospital A&E departments, and that the NHS wasn't created to stand in the way of Xtreme examples of natural selection.
Me Too By Order
BAFTA is being twitted for not having any female directors on its awards short list, which highlights the attitude problem nicely. When merit doesn't give the result you want, fall back on quotas. Unless it's men who don't come up to scratch, of course.
No, you won't have to shoot anyone
Looks like the KGB has been awarded the new advertising contract for the British Army. Instead of people who want to be The Best, we're going to end up with an army of touchy-feelly wimps. That should put a smile on the ugly mugs of the country's enemies.
“Why does the Army have to reflect the state of the nation? Soldiers need to be tough and ready for a fight. Soppy, fat Millennials don't fit the bill. And neither does letting ambulance-chasing lawyers fill their boots at the British taxpayers' expense. We keep getting political nobodies comparing themselves to Winston Churchill. Oh, for the real thing to do some of the things that need desperately to be done.”
A new, fresh look
The Corbynists taking over of the Labour party are trying to put a stop to all investigations of charges of racialism, especially anti-Semitism. The next step, presumably, will be to make it compulsory.
Human shield?
The IRA apologists Sinn Feinn have decided to appoint a female president to replace the repellent G. Adams in an attempt to look more user friendly. Which prompts us to recall the general advice for dealing with terrorists: "Shoot the women first." Could it be that the blokes are trying to set up some sort of early warning system for when the trouble starts again?
 No surprise that the BBC is presenting Brexit from a pro-EU and anti-Tory perspective. 70 years ago, back in 1947, the Tories were offering evidence that the BBC was supporting the Labour party shamelessly. And nothing has changed in the interim.
No surprise that Britain's Terror Tsar, M. Hill, QC, is building on his ambition to welcome British-born failed jihadis back into the country to be 'reintegrated'. He is now claiming that shunting terrorist supporters off the WWW infringes their 'uman bluddy right to freedom of expression.
Bad people do bad things
The Defence Sec. has got the Russians really worried by revealing their preparations for cyber-attacks on Britain's power supply; both power stations and imports from abroad. The Russkies now know that if anyone at all attacks us, they will get the blame despite the best efforts of their friends in the Labour party.
Bad people do bad things everywhere
Them Russians think the world is their oyster, and they upset NATO by launching a fake news campaign in Catalonia during the recent Separatism Event. The Venezuelan regime has also been exposed as the authors of some of the fakery, which explains why the Spanish ambassador to J. Corbyn's favourite holiday resort was given his marching orders for services to the truth this month.
Spain is also getting the blame for the sanctions imposed by the EU against the most corrupt members of the current Venezuelan regime. Relations between the two countries have been rocky since 1999, when the Chavez regime brought socialism to Venezuela and set the place on the road to an inflation rate of 13,000%.
The cops in other countries are much more fun!
Oh, great!
 If you want to report a crime after this year, you'll need one of those nude tin cans with perforations, which talk back to you from the internet. That would appear to be the next step in policing.
[Maybe they can give the can a bobby's hat and spray on a checker pattern so it looks the part. Ed.]
Making nice
 The police are being encouraged to use the Vagrancy Act (1824) and the Anti-Social Behaviour, Crime & Police Act (2014) to clear Windsor of aggressive beggars before the Royal Weeding in May. The aim is to make visiting the area a pleasant experience for tourists rather than a gauntlet.
The usual suspects started making noises about the fact that the council boss enjoyed a festive skiing holiday. At least he wasn't camped in a bus shelter, making the place look untidy.
Any old excuse to sit on their hands
The Ministry of Justice is refusing to identify 19 murderers, who are parole violators and on the run. Why? Because doing so would violate their ’uman bluddy right to privacy.
K. Starmer & Baroness Scotland; funny how it's always Labour luvvies who preside over the worst abuses of process in the alleged justice system.
Just small beer?
Why is the black cab rapist being allowed to get away with it by the luvvies in the justice system after only 8 years in clink? Presumably, it's because his profile is too low and he's not a scalp of the magnitude sought by the Hysterical Sex Abuse industry.
"Why are there almost no Russian gangsters in gaol in the UK?" Russian embassy stooges on whitewash duty asked online. "Because most of them have diplomatic immunity and/or connections?" sounds reasonable.
Recorded crime (that's what the police bother to write down rather than what's reported to them) is up by 14%, knife crime by 21% and violent crime by 20%. And yet we're being invited to accept that the public perception is that the crime rate is falling. Pull the other one.
[If it hasn't already been yanked off. Ed.]
Perm any 4 from 655: The police are investigating four MPs for possible expenses fraud. But, of course, they are not naming any names.
Nothing like justice
Should we be surprise that a Loyalist paramilitary gang leader turned supergrass is getting away with 5 murders? Not really if IRA killers were allowed to get away with much worse. That seems to be the rule for terrorists in Ireland: bad people do bad things and they're allowed to get away with them.
In Perspective
Here's an interesting snippet, which came out of the New Year pats-on-the-back for usual luvvies: the leader of the Women's Equality Party offered herself as a candidate at the last general election. She bagged 300 FEWER votes than the Monster Raving Looney Party candidate.
Equality Rulz!
The survey of pay rates at companies with more than 250 staff has turned up an interesting statistic; that women get 40% less than men at firms run by women. Which proves that bosses as a class are pretty much the same across the gender divide. So your boss having the operation and swapping her or his appearance to a man or a woman respectively won't do you any good!
Definite Maybe
The latest work of faction from across the pond has Tony B. Liar offering fake intelligence info to the Trump White House in an attempt to get a job. Everything is being denied, of course, but it does fall within the public perception of Mr. Liar's character.
Got his Number
 There is some dispute about the value of the Number of the Beast.
666, 616 and all sorts of variations, some containing no 6s at all, have been suggested.
But when it comes to the Number of the Bliar, it's 419.
No doubt, no question.
Shameless!
Corbyn the Coyote accused the health sec., J. Hunt, of skiving off while he, himself, was skiving off in Mexico and leaving the country without the services of its alternative leader. [His concept, Ed.] The grander the leader's delusions, the greater the hypocrisy?
Confected outrage
The bloke in the public office of head of the Office for Students made some ripe comments on anti-social meeja years ago, when he wasn't in a public office. Now, the PM is warning him that he'll be for the chop if he does it again whilst occupying a public office, even though he is showing no signs of being that daft.
The words Jerk and Knee come to mind, and there's no doubt who's being a Jerk, Theresa.
Ann Widdecombe, a person of substance, thinks Meghan Mherkel looks a bit dodgy. Anonymous outrage junkies twit her. Sic transit freedom of speech.
He's an out-to-lunch gonner!
Gulp! First it was President Trump, now it's President (he wishes!) Corbyn getting the dementia treatment. He was tonked by the prime monster when he got so carried away by his speechifying at PMQs that he forgot to make his spiel sound like a question.
As a result, his foes are asking if he's going to be too old to lead Labour into the next general election, and if he'll be alive at the end of the next Parliament. Of course, the sub-text is that it's time to dump him in favour of someone young, dynamic and in his right mind (-ish).
Ryangrounded
What can you do when you're on a Ryanair flight which won't let you off at the destination? One passenger of a flight to Malaga hit on the idea of opening an emergency exit and staging a sit-down protest on one of the wings.
His reward was to be arrested and reported to air-safety authorities. Sounds like something which could catch on. After all, they can't put everyone in gaol, can they?
[We are talking about Spain, so maybe the answer to that is 'yes'. Ed.]
“It will be interesting to hear if a judge agrees that Ryangrounded has the right to deny the outraged passenger his ’uman right to a breath of fresh air.”
Me, too, Cherie!
Madame MacRon, wife of the teenage French president, thinks that if she takes the trouble to go to a function with her husband, she's entitled to a seat on the front row rather than a place in the cheap seats. Not an unreasonable point of view, one might think; except that no one elected her president and politeness is always subservient to protocol.
Beardie get the hump
Buy a ticket for a Virgin train and you can also buy a somewhat limited political education. All newspapers which don't support the Bremoaner cause are now banned from sale on the trains. Of course, customers can still buy the newspaper of their choice and take it on the train to read; but for how long? And what sort of service are they going to get from Old Beardie's staff?
The Virgin Trains company has been shamed into a U-turn over banning the sale of the Daily Mail on its vehicles. The original censorship deal seems to have arisen from an under-the-counter lobbying by the train-drivers' union Asleep, which didn't like people finding out that its overpaid drivers are permanently on strike somewhere; or so it seems.
Hail to the Trump!
The US president decided not to attend the opening of the O'Bummer Folly; the new embassy somewhere near London (sarf of the River, already!), as a favour to the decent British people who live and work in the area.
He realized that strike-happy lefty scum, and the capital's pantomime dame mayor, would try to ruin the day and make life miserable for everyone else. Accordingly, he decided not to give the scumbags a chance for more displays of confected outrage and a chance to spread hatred and division.
What a great guy he is.
On your own head . . .
The official advice for Americans who are planning a trip to North Korea is to make a will and designate carers for any children and/or pets. This was introduced after a student on a trip to Kimland was stuck in gaol on a trumped up charge with a 15-year hard labour sentence. He was subsequently sent home in a coma and died.
Wot next?
Boris Johnson is a guy who thinks BIG. Half a decade ago, he wanted to build Boris Island in the Thames estuary to host a 4-runway airport. His current scheme is the Boris Bridge, which will let motorists drive across the Channel to get to France.
Experts have decided that the Boris Bridge is technically feasible and costed it at £120 BILLION. Boris is going to need a bloody big hat to collect that much.
Not quite totally in Seine
Anyone taking a trip to Paris toward the end of the month needed to remember a pair of wellies. Heavy rain had the river Seine flooding around twenty feet above its normal level, making life tough for people with a leaky basement and commuters.
Tourist boats were ordered to remain parked and leisure traffic was suspended as river levels approached the tops of the arches of bridges and the river police began to worry about thrill-seekers shooting impossibly small gaps to put videos on ViewTube..
Cue a class action
80% of computers have a security flaw because they use Intel chips, according to the latest scare story. Any chance of compensation for all the worry and terror caused? And the big drop in speed when there's a software fix? Thought not.
Everything made by Apple; computers, tablets and phones, also has the security holes, so there is currently no escape.
Just try it, mate!
How many repeat referendums can multi-millionaire Tony B. Liar afford to buy in his search for the right result, i.e. a reversal of Brexit? He offering at least two more by assuming that the second still won't deliver. Well, Tony, a grateful nation would like you to know that we're prepared to keep on voting the same way until you go bust. HAND!
If you can't drink it, steal it or give it to someone else to buy a favour, Eurocraps don't want to know. Hence Brexit.
Vote Labour if you want your Council Tax to shoot up by 20% and the average to cross £2,000.
More like the Russ Abbot Foundation?
It's nice to know there's a charity which has its priorities right. Last year, the Diane Abbott Foundation chose not to waste its donations on making grants, providing services and other worthy stuff. Instead, it blew most of its income on a party for school children of black origin.
[With apologies to Russ Abbot for using his name in vain. Ed.]
Mindless moaning
Oxfam, which collects £76 million per year from the taxpayer; that's cash generated by capitalism; is blaming capitalism for poverty, its raison d'etre and the source of the six-figure salaries paid to its bosses. It looks like there has been an outbreak of Corbynism in their ranks rather than winter flu.
Cue a rewrite of the whinge when the nasty-lefties were confronted with subscribers taking exception to their line and cancelling donations.
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One rule; for everyone else
The President of Iran has told the protesters, who are rioting all over the place, that the government will crack down on criminals. But he was careful not to add: 'Except when they are members of the regime'.
“The wind will stop blowing here but nothing is likely to change in Iran. Either the protests will fizzle out as the dissenters collapse from malnutrition and they'll be stuck with the same old, corrupt clerics, or they'll have a Russian-style regime change along the lines of communism to putinism. Makes Brexit look a doddle in comparison!”
The Pope would like us to buy less stuff in 2018. What's the hidden message? If we find ourselves awash with dosh and short of ideas for things to do with it, he'll be willing to take it off our hands?
Vested & panted interest?
People supported by the EU; the Cleggs and Mandelsleazes for instance; can't speak out against its corruption and lack of accountability on financial grounds. No support, no cash. Could it be that J. Corbyn has the same problem vis a vis his sometime employer, the Iranian regime? Hence his silence on the protests there.
The stoat is Switzerland's official Animal of the Year for 2018.
Whether or not President Trump actually used the word, there are lots of shithole countries in the world, and they are especially prevalent in Africa. Only the fantasy factory of the United Nations could pretend otherwise.
Second choice
President G.W. Bush made the decision to move the US embassy to somewhere easier to defend from terrorists. President O'Bummer gave us the Nine Elms cube with barriers, ditches and a moat, and sold the lease of the old building on Grosvenor Square for peanuts — yes, President Trump was right about that.
Now, a new rumour is surfacing; that the Americans put in a bid for the Tower of London, which satisfies all of their defensibility requirements nicely, but they were unable to come up with a price to satisfy Gordon F. Broon's greed.
Playing politics with people's incomes
The Democraps in the US Senate have thrown a hissy fit and shut down the non-essential parts of the government on the first anniversary of President Trump's inauguration. Apparently, he hasn't done as badly as they had hoped during Year One and they think this silliness will win them seats in the 2018 elections.
The last shutdown took place in 2013 and lasted for 16 days. Are the Democraps trying for a place in the Guinness Book of Records this time around?
It was just a three-day holiday for the non-essential parts of the US government. The Democraps clearly have a low threshold of embarrassment and they were worried about getting the blame for messing everyone around and losing votes because of it in 2018.
Don't call me . . .
The people of New Zealand will have to do without their prime minister between June and September, as she and her husband are unexpectedly pregnant. The lady plans to take six weeks off after the birth, which will give Kiwis a good chance to find out just how much of a sinecure the job is.
Nothing ever goes to waste
There was a TV premiere of a 2015 Bond film on offer on ITV 1 on New Year's Day. In Spectre, JB shivered the timbers of a couple of ladies; but not to any great length on the screen, probably in recognition of the actor's great age. Lots of the usual chases and destruction, but the really interesting bit came at the end.
Our hero found himself in what looked remarkably like an early production mock-up for a set for The Prisoner. One icon saluting another? Or were we expected to think it was something original all these years after the original?
Wallet-buster I
 When retailers are banned from adding rip-off charges for the use of a credit card to pay a bill, it won't be an unhappy new year for them.
Their response will be either to put up prices so that everybody pays the rip-off or to introduce service charges to achieve the same income. [Or both to boost income. [Ed.]
Wallet-buster II
 Anyone wearing dark socks is now a fashion criminal. The sock trade would like offenders to throw their footwear out and buy brightly coloured ones instead, to which the Dark-Sock Set replies:
“Con-job, not falling for it. We have no intention of throwing out perfectly good sox to put our hard-earned cash in your pockets!”
Veganuary?
 Another gimmick for people with more money than sense has burst upon our consciousness, thanks to news media with space to fill up. Please feel free to indulge yourself if you wish. And the rest of us will feel free to laugh at you.
Perfidious Frog-munchers
What do you get when a French firm takes over a British car plant promising no job cuts?
One-third of the workforce out of work.
A Matter of Recognition
“That's certainly a interesting proposition — that a liver transplant surgeon should have the right to sign his work by branding his initials on the customer's organ. And if Mr. Bramhall appeals to the European Court of 'Uman Bloody Rights, what's the betting that they'll rule that his 'uman right to artistic self expression was abridged?”
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Arbitrary distinction?
The flu jab, we're told, doesn't work for over 75s. Which is rather surprising. Why should there be that much difference from over-65s but under-75s? Who are, apparently, not enough at risk to get the more effective Fluad jab next year. Sounds like this is another fallout from Labour's damage to the economy and the NHS unable to screen patients by medical history rather than the blunt instrument of age.
Principles unstuck
 There's always someone ready to rain on your parade! Pesky Remoaner Tony B. Liar is being twitted by a bloke who has dug up some of the bliarly election material; which included Mr. Liar promising to get Britain out of the EU because it had drained our national resources and destroyed jobs.
Thirteen years later, on his way to Downing Street, Mr. Liar was going on about slaying a dragon called Europe. It's amazing what a little trough-scoffing can do to corrupt politicians. Mr. Liar, of course, has scoffed at Olympic levels, which explains his present state.
Be very afraid (or not)
Everyone will have to eat chlorine-washed chicken from the United States after Brexit. But only if rules on labelling products to show the country of origin are abolished and only if people who don't want to consume the imports are threatened with fines and prison if they fail to comply.
And only if there are enough Chicken Police available to make sure that people are consuming. Otherwise, if people here won't buy chlorine-washed chicken, nobody will import it because there will be no money to be made out of it.
The politics of Xtreme envy
The current leader of what used to be UKIP seems to be a real babe-magnet, and the other parties hate him for it. But if you take a squint at their leaders, you can see that they have a sort of point!
Sound advice!
The nation's NHS nanny has another message for us: "Getting ill can be bad for your health so please don't get ill!" [Even though it could put everyone who works for the Health Service out of work? Ed.]
You can't call the inmates 'girls' at Altrincham Grammar School for Girls, the management has decided. What are they, then? Fish?
The Labour party doesn't want outsiders coming to this country to promote hatred (unless they're Islamists or anti-Semites) . . . because that's the job of the Labour party.
A pale shade of imitation
The latest Labour epithet is 'an asteroid of awfulness', which is clearly an attempt to rival Boris Johnson with this 'inverted pyramid of piffle'. Given that the asteroid belt is a considerable distance from our planet; it's on the other side of Mars; then even one of 'awfulness' is not going to have much effect on Planet Earth.
The number of rough sleepers in London could be cut in half overnight by sending the foreigners home to doss in their own backyard. And probably by a lot more if the counting process were to be taken out of the hands of people who have a vested interest in ramping it up.
Pick a credible one
On the one hand, there's Sheffield council chopping down healthy trees for no good reason and accusing two protesters of poisoning the tree fellers. On the other hand, the protesters' group is accusing the council and its contractors of using thuggism to get people out of work zones.
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