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 2015/January 
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The Following presentation may contain stunts and experiments which should not be imitated – so that you never realize just how easy they are to do.

Romiley News
ROMILEY NEWS
 

No problems here

A collision between the jetstream and the British Isles just before the second weekend of the month cause winds gusting at over 100 mph to attack Scotland, with 140 mph recorded at the summit of Cairn Gorm. So that was power lines down and the usual disruption to roads, railways and ferries. Here in Romiley, things got a bit noisy in the early hours of the second Friday of the month, but that was about it.

Jan. 29th – maybe we were a bit hasty . . .


Help! The sky is breaking up and falling on us in little pieces.

 FANTASY NEWS 

More hollow words
The Bank of England, which failed miserably to get inflation down to its target of 2% through its own efforts, is now promising to increase inflation (currently 0.5%) to the target level. Good luck with that, fellers.

How about this for diversity?
The latest leader of the Scottish Gnats sees herself as replacing Calamity Clegg after the next election. Even though it's her business to trash Labour's competence in Scotland, Ms McErkel would be quite happy to be the new deputy prime monster, with all the perks involved, in a coalition with Red Ed when the dust settles in May.

Not so much off his trolley as nowhere near it!
A lawyer is claiming that Napoleon Bonaparte, the prototype for Adolf Hitler, won the battle of Waterloo, not the rest of Europe led by the British and the Prussians. He's French, of course, the lawyer.

For Public Information

Pekin Pie: another great Chinese Invention

 

Posted for the purposes of international enlightenment by the People's Information Bureau on behalf of the PRC.

Pekin Pie: another great Chinese Invention

space news
 SPACE NEWS 

Beagle 2 did land on Mars in one piece after all!

The Beagle 2 lander was launched to the surface of Mars on Boxing Day of 2003 and joined the list of spacecraft gobbled up by the Great Mars Gremlin. Nothing was heard from the craft and it was suspected that the Martian atmosphere might have been thinner than expected and there had been a crash landing.
   But now, Beagle 2 has been spotted by the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter. The pictures show that the parachute system worked but just 2 of the 4 petals unfurled from the body of the lander. This would have blocked radio transmissions and recharging via solar panels. The lander was the brainchild of Professor Colin Pillinger of the Open University, who died last May.

 OUTRAGE NEWS 

Little John of the Daily Disaster reports:
Oxford University Press has banned authors from mentioning sausages and pigs to prevent offence to mad jihadis, who shouldn't eat pork products.
A mad mullah in Saudia has declared snowmen anti-Islamic and issued a fatwa against them.
The Police Federation has recommended that "sleep plods" be installed in police stations to give their members somewhere comfortable to sleep whilst on duty.
Metropolitan police officers spend so much time sitting on their bums, eating sugary snacks, that hundreds of them are unable to pass basic fitness tests.
   Indeed, Rich, you couldn't make it up!

No personal interest at all
Lord Mandelsleaze, owner of an £8 million mansion, thinks the Balls mansion tax is a bad idea. Curiously, his view is shared by other Labour politicians who just happen to live in homes worth millions of pounds.

Three quid's worth of chips and two quid's worth of chicken in a bucket for £9.99? Yeah, that's a real bargain.

Misguided?
The BBC appears to have banned the use of the word terrorist to describe those who participate in acts of terrorism as the word is perceived to be judgemental and have negative connotations, and could lead to the misinterpretation of the actions of sociopaths. That's what the genius in charge of the Arabic service thinks.

"Net Porn Fuels Horror Crimes" screams the headline on the Daily Disaster, quoting a "top judge". But quotations from top people are like those from the Bible: you can always find one to support any given point of view.
Je Suis Clueless

That background rumble you can hear at "Je suis Charlie" rallies is the Spartacists muttering,
"We thought of it first."

Spartacus? Sorry, mate, I'm Charlie

 CLIMATE NEWS 

global warming sloganGreenwash = scam
Manufacturers are cashing in on the green energy market by putting "Eco" labels on products to make people think they are ecological and planet-saving somehow. In fact, the manufacturers take "Eco" to be short for "Economy" which, in the case of halogen light bulbs, refers to the price of bulbs which use 10x more electricity than LEDs and which can burn out in a few weeks. The "economy" aspect is supposed to be relative to incandescent bulbs, which have been banned by the European Commission on spurious environmental grounds. We have always associated the use of the words "green" and "eco" as a preface to a scam. We see no reason to change our minds.

global warming sloganRelative heat
The Met Office, the BBC, the once-respected journal Nature and other usual suspects are all pretending that 2014 was "the hottest year in recorded history". What they don't mention is that this conclusion is based on doctored and manufactured records from ground weather stations, which have huge gaps between them, hence the need to "think of a number" to fill in the gaps.
   Undoctored satellite data show that 2014 was the 6th warmest of the last 16 years, as we mentioned last month, and also that global temperatures stopped rising in 1997 and have remained static ever since. Thus picking out a "hottest" year involves spotting tiny shifts in fairly constant date. As this shows that the computer models used by alarmist Global Warming Swindlers don't work, they keep very quiet about satellite data. Unless they've corrupted it, of course.

Public Appeal

Would anyone like to subscribe to our fund to buy a new shroud for ex-Health Minister A. Burnham (Labour) in case the one which he is waving so frantically wears out before the election?

The appeal placed by The Campaign to Save Our NHS from Labour Wreckers

 TRAVEL NEWS 


Almost "there before you started!"
A BA flight from New York to London took a big boost from the jetstream which brought 140 mph winds to Scotland at the second weekend of the month. It managed the trip across the Atlantic in just over 5 hours instead of the usual 6. Planes going the other way, of course, were not so lucky.

Panic in the streets!!!
New York city was shut down completely ahead of what the weathermen predicted would be the Greatest Storm in History. But what did they actually get? 20" of snow – that's less than a couple of feet – and 30 mph winds. Those Yanks don't know they're born.

Picture This!

There's an interesting tail-tag on the Russian bomber, which has been wandering through civilian air-space to disrupt air travel around Britain. Could it be that the BBC has done a deal with the Putinocracy similar to the one it did with the police to get photos of Sir C. Richard's mansion being turned over pointlessly by the Historic Nonse Squad?

 WAR NEWS 

More same old, same old
Will 2015 be the year in which the Chilcot Whitewash into how T.B. Liar and his cronies took GB into the illegal 2003 war in Iraq is published? Don't hold your breath.

The threat of democracy
Trade union leaders are worried that they will never again be able to posture for the TV cameras at a big strike if the Tories win in May. Dave the Leader is threatening to require strike ballots to involve at least 50% of the union's membership and the endorsement of at least 40% of the entire membership before a strike can be called. Union bosses fear that their memberships are such a bolshy lot, that it will be impossible to persuade anything like 40% of them to agree on something.

Captain Hook now Captain Spork
The exported terrorist Abu Hamza, now locked up for life in the USA, is enjoying a less liberal regime in gaol there. His hook-hands have been removed, as they could be used as offensive weapons, but he is allowed to have spork (a combined spoon and fork) fitted when it's porridge time.

Expression ain't free!
Red Ed has made a claim to the Trade Marks and Copyright Commission to register the new verb "to weaponize", citing his decision to turn the NHS into a political weapon as the first ever use of the term. If successful, he will be able to attempt to claim royalties from all those who have used his word. If he has the nerve to, of course.
The BBC, which helped Ed to get huge amounts of publicity for his new word, will claim an exemption from copyright fees on the grounds of favours granted if Ed ever get his Bill of Ownership granted for the word.

Stitch up at Hinchingbrooke
The Care Quality Commission, the inspector general of the NHS is in trouble again; over Hinchingbrooke hospital this time. The hospital was put under private management on the orders of now discredited Labour health minister A. Burnham, and it was getting excellent ratings until a short time ago. Suddenly, it's the pits of the universe and it has to go into special measures. And the reason turns out to be that it's now Labour policy to dump the private sector out of the NHS and there are Labour party fingerprints all over the "evidence" against the hospital's management. So the CQC can now add loss of integrity to its record of lack of competence.

 DOSH NEWS 
Farqi Nell writes:

Mad money if Labour wins
The government is spending:
      £750,000,000,000 per year
That's seven hundred and fifty thousand million pounds. And borrowing ninety thousand million pounds, that's:
      £90,000,000,000 per year
"How much of it is being wasted?" we should be asking, not how much more should we let Ed Balls 'n' Red Ed borrow.
The interest the country would have to pay on the Red Ed/Balls overspending plans would be the equivalent of 3p on the basic rate of income tax.

Mad money if the Tories win
The current Chancellor, G. Osborne, has revealed his inner Gordon Broon. If he ever gets a budget surplus, maybe in 2018, he's going to use it to cut taxes instead of to reduce the National Debt of £1.7 TRILLION and the crippling interest charges required to service it.

A bit less of a swindle, but not much
The wholesale price of gas has gone down by 30%, so German Big-Sixer E.on has dropped its price by 3%, but only to some of its customers. Are they supposed to feel grateful, or something?
The wholesale electricity price is down by 15% but no cuts in that on the horizon.

Nag-nannies
Labour's discredited former health sec. A. Burnham has found another way to waste taxpayers' money. If elected, a Labour government will "promote" physical activity, which will mean another raft of non-jobs for people who will annoy taxpayers and fiddle statistics to "prove" that they are meeting meaningless targets for getting customers moving.

Educational Announcement

"Screw Death, we'll have the Glory!"

Find it at the Romiley State University

Crime News
 CRIME NEWS 
Mafia MacEye writes:
Pick your spot

If you want to get drunk and disorderly and make a fool of yourself in public, but you don't want to be busted and hauled into court, then do it on a Friday or Saturday night. Or even on Sunday night if you don't have to work on Monday. Why? Because coppers are like doctors now – hardly any of them work at weekends and there are too few of them to be bothered with drunks.

A mere trifle
Should we be outraged that Dave the Leader has launched his election campaign with a lie on a poster which claims that "the deficit" has been halved when the actual drop is 40%? Compared to all the other lies told by Red Ed, the Balls Monster, Calamity Clegg and their stooges, it's nothing much. Should anyone care if the poster shows a bit of German road which has been reshaped to make it look more interesting? Of course, not. It's a poster, not a map.

Useless and untrustworthy!
Another reason for the alleged fall in the crime rate, the chairman of the Police Federation has admitted, is that people assume that his members will do nothing if a crime is reported to them, and people just aren't bothering to do it any more.

90,000 coppers surrounding just two killers? A tad overkillish, surely, by the French authorities? But, no doubt, lots of overtime on offer.

Believe it or what
The polonium isotope used to murder Aleksandr Litvinyenko would have cost an assassin tens of millions of dollars to buy, assuming he could have found the right corrupt government stooge with access to it. The killer left a radioactive trail from Russia to England. But still the Putinocracy would have us believe the death was from natural causes.

Public Service Announcement

Great Failed Advertising Campaigns 82: Sooper-Date


Start talking to your matches Right Now!

world news
 WORLD NEWS 

Don't tell anyone . . .
. . . but the French government has scrapped its Gordie Broonian 75% tax rate. The tax raised €400 million from the few millionaires who didn't leave the socialist paradise across the Channel whilst the budget deficit created by Pres. Hollande, who is admired and respected by Red Ed, has soared to €75,000 million.

Killing the Cult of Personality
A South Korean "activist" says he will dump copies of the film The Interview, which provoked a cyber attack on Sony in the US, over North Korea during this month. He aims to unload 100,000 DVDs and data sticks over a country where hardly anyone who isn't a member of the Stoogery owns a DVD player or a PC. Yep, sounds like a great idea. Not.

Are we thinking what Nigel is thinking?
The other political leaders put on a display of collective sham hump when the UKIP leader, Nigel Farage, dared to acknowledge that there's a Fifth Column of Islamist terrorists in this country. Obviously, the knees were jerked as a result of collective guilt: on the part of Labour for dragging every migrant they could collect here in the hope of buying their votes with taxpayers' cash, and on the part of the others, like Dave the Leader, for going along with the whole multiculturalism sham at the expense of Britishness.

Another mystery
An Argentine prosecutor, A. Nisman, was given police protection after he accused the president, C. Fernandez, of protecting an Iranian terror bombing suspect because of a grain for oil deal, which is currently on hold. None of the 10 protection officers has any idea how Señor Nisman ended up shot in the head in his own flat.

 HEALTH NEWS 
Wholeman Hunt writes:

Do we really want 5 years of Wallace and Ballsit come May?

If the NHS in Scotland is as brilliant as A. Salmonella claims under SNP rule, why did they export a Scottish ebola patient to London? Which is in England, to rub it in.

The Balls Mansion Tax will be used to transfer MILLIONs from London and the South-East to fund the Scottish NHS!

Real knowledge vs fancy
Sometimes, an expert just needs to find the right form of words to get a message across. Like the one who announced that if the body's liver and kidneys are working properly, then they produce all the detoxification that the human body needs. So a celeb "expert" who feeds herself a mushed-up slurry of garden weeds in the hope of doing herself some good is just an ignorant masochist.

Are A&E departments really stretched to the limit if 64% of the people in them have not had an accident and they are not an emergency case?

"Toxic cuts, but not as we know them, Jim."
The budget for the National Health Service has been "cut" from £98 BILLION in 2010 to £113 BILLION currently. How the Labour party can pretend that something which has risen by £15 BILLION, which is well ahead of inflation, amounts to a cut would leave any honest person baffled. But that's politics for you.

Public Service Announcement

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Home News
 HOME NEWS 
UK Flag

More taxpayers' cash down the drain
The Council for Diversity in England will be investigating the important issue of why Improvised Snow Statues are always white and male.

Also under discussion will be the suggestion that 'diversity' is too limiting and what the country really needs is 'multiversity'.
The Council will also address the thorny issue of whether every university should be abolished on the grounds of singularity.

Any old excuse to skive off
If primary school children don't appear to be learning anything, it could be because their teachers are too busy earwigging on playground name-calling, and writing vast and pointless reports about it, to do the job they are paid to do.

More knees a-jerking
Security at UK borders has been "stepped up" following the massacre at Charlie Hebdomagazine in Paris. The gesture is not expected to make a blind bit of difference vis a vis preventing a similar attack by the Islamist Fifth Column in Britain. But it does give the police further opportunities to show off their guns.

Public Service Announcement

He's been called the Blogger of the Decade

His intellect is matched only by the size of his luck and the size of his bank balance. And yet he manages to keep his Feet On The Ground with the greatest of ease. Do yourself a favour and find out what Xavier has had to say about what's going on Right Now!

Far Queue List

Far Queue symbol Rejected member of the 2010 Cameron Cuties K. Huxtable, who insisted that she and a married headmaster stripped off for discussions about education, not sex. Which gives debriefing a whole new slant.

Far Queue symbol Idiot of the Month J. Kerry, US govt. glad-hander, who wanted to give all of Paris a hug, and all of France, too.

Far Queue symbol “Far queue, far queue very much!” – Frank Zappa.

The Far Queue: the traditional parking place for everything "not wanted on voyage".

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Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression
to set the record straight in the 3rd millennium. © RAL, January MM15.