Black Flag News
 
 2009/September 
  final
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No. 10 Certificate of EndorsementEvery edition of BFN is compiled
in accordance with official 10 Downing Street guidelines on accuracy and veracity.

space news
 SPACE NEWS 
Oh, No! The Swiss are in line for British aid now

Indian launchOn the 4th Friday of the month, the Indians launched a Swiss satellite using a rocket paid for out of their foreign aid from Britain. The Swiss government is now preparing an application for British cash to fund their own spaceport, knowing that Gordon Brown has a penchant for supporting the space programmes of other nations, including China, in the hope of buying friends abroad.
 • The Trade Minister is now scanning a list of friends who can offer hospitality in Switzerland with his eye on the main chance.

Baroness Scotland
 SCOTLAND NEWS 
  One law for New Labour,
  another for the rest of us

It's a crime to employ an illegal immigrant, whether or not the employer knows the person is illegal, and the fine goes up to £10,000. That law was pushed into the statute book by Lady Scotland, the Attorney General. So it's rather curious that she hasn't had a visit from the Old Bill for employing an illegal cleaner for 6 months. But let us not forget that she is a cabinet minister, is an unelected one.
updateThe minister was let off with a fine of £5,000 and allowed to keep her job. In court, she pleaded negligence and added, in mitigation, that she didn't think that a law which she, personally, had inflicted on the nation applied to her.
 • No doubt the 5 grand will appear in a future expenses claim once the Labour party has changed the rules to exclude publication of all details of all parliamentary claims.

mayanGet the law, and a PR guy, on your side!
Suspicion is growing that Loloahi Tapui is being offered a backdoor deal, which will let the Tongan visa overstayer remain in Britain. All she has to do is make sure her story matches the ones told to the police and the court by Baroness Scotland. Plan B is to sell her story to the newspapers for a lot of dosh and leave the government too afraid of either the resulting flak, or its own 'uman rights legislation, to deport her.

Black squareThe Scottish Nationalist government north of the border is believed to be planning to sue the baroness for bringing the name "Scotland" into disrepute.

mayanDesperation time!
The government is really scraping the barrel if it has to wheel out a tired old phoney like Justice Sec. J. Straw to play the sexism card on behalf of another of its dodgy characters. Straw's argument is that the ignoble lady has to be innocent because she doesn't have a wife to deal with hiring her domestic staff.

Crime News
 CRIME NEWS 
Calm down, dear, it's only Formula One!

mayanOkay, so the Renault team has lost its boss as the only penalty for fixing the Singapore grand prix last year – a little, token punishment for being caught. Anyone getting bent out of shape and thinking there should have been mass public executions is confusing Formula One with sport.
   If there were any sport in F1, M. Schumacher would have been stripped of his season's points and banned from the following season after he deliberately crashed into D. Hill to steal the driver's championship. And he would have been banned from F1 for life for trying to do exactly the same to J. Villeneuve. But Schumacher was allowed to get away with it because he brought money into F1. And that's what it's all about, really.

Arctic Sea"It's all about the money"
The definitive solution to the 'hijacking' of the Russian chartered, Maltese freighter Arctic Sea has slithered into the light of day. The ship was being used by a faction of the FSB, the successor to the Soviet Union's KGB, for smuggling arms in 'off the books' sales to put cash in the pockets of some of Russia's spymasters.
   A rival FSB faction got wind of the illegal arms deal and exposed it 'because they could'. Alarmed by the prospect of major embarrassment, the office of the Russian president banged some heads together and cooked up a pathetically thin hijacking story.
 • Still to come is a show trial of the 'hijackers', who can expect to spend 2-3 decades of quality time in a Siberian gulag until those involved in the whole shambles are safely retired.

mayanThey never learn!
It was the income tax that did for Al Capone. It was the crocodile which did for Camorra mobster Antonio Cristofaro. He used it to intimidate his extortion targets, feeding the animal with live rabbits to show his victims what could happen if they didn't pay up; until he was busted under the Italian law against possession of dangerous wild animals.

train
 TRAVEL NEWS 
Another British First!

In 1909, Dr. Frederick A. Cook & Robert E. Peary both claimed to be the first man to reach the North Pole. The claims were so convincing, at first, that they put off Roald Amundsen, who decided to be first man at the South Pole (at the expense of Captain Robert F. Scott).
   Enough holes have been blown in the accounts of Cook & Peary over the years to discredit them thoroughly. So who was first to the North Pole? The credit has now been assigned to the British explorer Sir Walter Herbert, who conquered the North Pole beyond dispute in 1969, the year of the first Moon landings!

Red SydneySydney offers "The Martian Experience"
A major dust storm has turned New South Wales into a replica of the planet Mars. Everything has been turned red, including the sea and the sky. Fortunately, Sydney airport has been able to remain open, which has prompted to the Australian Tourist Board to offer intrepid visitors a special package which will allow them to experience conditions on the Red Planet without the inconvenience of 9-month journeys there & back. Hurry, Hurry, while the dust lasts!

mayanSingapore Shocker
In last year's Singapore Grand Prix, N. Piquet Jr. was told to crash deliberately to hand the win to his Renault team mate, F. Alonso. This year, R. Grosjean, Piquet's replacement, staged the first Annual Piquet Memorial Crash at turn 17, now renamed Piquet Corner, during Friday practice.
 •  During the 3rd qualifying period, a crash by R. Barrichello with 26 seconds to go preserved Lewis Hamilton's pole position from strong challenges from S. Vettel and N. Rosberg. Is there a conspiracy or a federal case to be built out of that?

Black squareIf Sarah Brown has Gordon Brown as her big hero, she needs to get out more!

Romiley News
ROMILEY NEWS
Environ-Mental!

In the good old days, before Romiley was infested with brown & blue wheely bins, there were 4 refuse/recycling collections per fortnight – 2 weekly collections by the dustmen, 1 fortnightly collection by the bottle-bashers & paper collectors and 1 fortnightly collection of the contents of the green, garden refuse bins.
   Under the New, Improved Refuse/Recycling Regime, there are FIVE collections per fortnight – 2 weekly collections by the dustmen and 1 fortnightly collection of garden refuse, as before, but now 1 fortnightly visit by the bottle-bashers & a separate, additional fortnightly visit by the paper collectors.
   So the council's vehicle use has increased by 25%, which means costs and carbon dioxide emissions and road congestion are up by the same amount. How does that fit in with being Green?

mayanLess choice, higher prices – Thanks a bunch, Mandy!
The new Sainsbury Local has opened and the verdict is that it's no substitute for the Somerfield, which Lord Sleaze's department decided we couldn't have any more. Romiley has been fobbed off with an inferior product, which offers far less choice.
   For instance: Somerfield had a whole bunch of Heinz soups, including mulligatawny, Sainsbury offers just 2, neither of them mulligatawny; Somerfield offered a range of salads in fantastically useful little boxes, including Florida, nut & celery, coleslaw and 3-cheese coleslaw. Sainsbury offers just potato or coleslaw.
   The freezer section is a joke. Somerfield had a whole wall of them. But it's goodbye to Young's chipshop fish, cheesecakes, potato croquettes and a whole bunch of other stuff with a Sainsbury store that concentrates on fish fingers & ice cream.
   Somerfield had lots more offers, and Sainsbury's offers are less generous. For instance, a 400 gramme pack of cooking cheese on offer is £3 now rather than £2 and packs of fresh salmon are £3.60 instead of £2.99, £2.49 or even £2.29, depending on how generous Somerfield was feeling.
   Cherry pies, that's another thing which has gone. But there's one thing that remains the same. Somerfield was notorious for bogof offers where there was just one item on the shelf. The same was observed on Saturday the 19th, Sainsbury's second day in business.
   Packs of chicken thighs are also history. Luckily, there's a decent butcher right across the road, the Fruit Bowl next door, the Pound Stop just along the road and the Aldi just past the Duke of York has a great range of marmalades.
updateGood News: Sainsbury's Local has strawberry cheesecake.
Bad News: The shelf space was empty!

mayanWhy did the council wreck the garden areas next to Romiley Forum?
Apparently, some kid was having fun there on his skateboard and Stockport council decided to clamp down on him. "Fun?? Can't allow that!!" So what's being built? Rumour has it that the Tony Blair Memorial Public Convenience is scheduled for the site and the council is in negotiations with Al Kaida to have our former prime monster converted into the late T. Blair well before the grand opening.

 DOSH NEWS 
  Human Rights investigation of Lottery company?

50p coinCamelot is confident that it is impossible to affect the outcome of one of its draws. So why was illusionist Derren Brown banned from buying a ticket when he successfully predicted the winning combination of numbers of 2009/09/09? If he wasn't cheating, because that's impossible, why was he denied his human right to lose his quid like any other punter?

mayanGolden Swindle
There's nothing like a Brown Slump for bringing scammers to the fore. With gold at $1,000 per troy ounce (how much did Gordon Brown get when he flogged of our national reserves?), swindlers are inviting punters to put their 'unwanted gold' in the post in the hope of getting the 'best prices'. In fact, all the customer gets is 30-40% of the value of the metal.

mayanBrown Swindle
The government is planning to put a slops bucket in every kitchen because Environment Sec. H. Benn wants to ban food waste from landfill sites. He is unconcerned by the results from trials last year, which led to 100,000 homes being infested with maggots, flies & rats, and beset with bad smells.
   The official slops bucket will be divided into compartments, each for a Specified Permitted Waste Category. And there will be fines for misfiling the slop. Some local councils are planning to charge a conventional family of 2 parents and 3 kids a chunky £500 for offences as small as putting a fishbone in the salad leaf compartment.
 • Council Tax will have to rise by 18-23% to pay for a corps of Slops Bucket Inspectors and the charging regime for Specific Permitted Waste Anomaly fines.

mayan"It must be great to have a job like Vince Cable's"
All the TrivDem Treasury spokesman has to do is sit around in his comfortable office, digesting his subsidized meals and thinking up all sorts of wild plans to grab headlines, like his brilliant tax on mansions worth more than £1 million, knowing that he'll never have the hassle of actually having to make them work!

mayanPhoto Opportunity
Tony Blair is charging punters at one of his 'lectures' in Canada $300 for the privilege of having a photo taken with him. For an extra $50, he'll even put on a smile. And for $100 more, he'll make sure his wife isn't hovering in the background.

Brown & GadaffyANNOUNCEMENT

To all Americans upset by Gordon Brown's lies and
omissions about the Lockerbie Bomber's release:

If you feel thoroughly outraged
and betrayed and pissed off now,
imagine how the British people feel after
12 LONG YEARS
of the same treatment.

 DEPARTURES 

  Keith Waterhouse

One of Britain's first division of writers has died at 80. He achieved great success with his novel Billy Liar (1959), which became a film starring Tom Courtenay 4 years later (the script was the first product of a lifelong collaboration with playwright Willis Hall), and he had a West End hit with his play Jeffrey Bernard is Unwell in 1989. His list of achievements includes over 50 books, plays and television scripts (e.g. Budgie starring Adam Faith and Worzel Gummidge starring Jon Pertwee and Una Stubbs ) and miles and miles and MILES of newspaper columns.
   Keith Waterhouse grew up in Leeds, worked as a reporter for the Yorkshire Evening Post and graduated to Fleet Street when he joined the Daily Mirror. He gave up his bi-weekly column there when the thoroughly disgraced Robert Maxwell bought the newspaper and found a new home at the Daily Mail in 1986. A man of strong opinions, he continued to apply the simple lump-hammer of truth to modern life, jumped-up jacks-in-office and Improved New Labour until May of this year. He won more awards than soft Mick for his newspaper columns but he collected no more than a CBE (in 1991) from the people in power.

 DEPARTURES 

  Larry Gelbart

The writer who brought M*A*S*H to television has died at 81. He began his career as a gag-writer for radio then television shows, and continued on to Broadway shows and the movies. His greatest hits include A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, The Notorious Landlady (1962), The Wrong Box (1966), Tootsie (1982) and M*A*S*H, which lasted 11 years on TV, 8 years longer than its setting in the Korean War. He received Tony (6) and Emmy awards, but just nominations for the Oscar. He was a master of the one-liner and he had a collection of essays & reminiscences, Laughing Matters, published in 1998.

 DEPARTURES 

  Keith Floyd

The man who turned cooking on TV into real entertainment has died at 65. Mr. Floyd went into journalism then the army, and made his first venture into the restaurant business in his twenties. He was 'discovered' by the BBC director David Prichard and he made his TV debut in the early 1980s, when he was in his mid-thirties.
   His cheery irreverence, lubricated with the trade mark quick slurp, kept the TV programme makers coming back for more. Mr. Floyd was featured in 19 series, from Floyd on Fish in 1984 to Floyd's India (2001). The occasional chaos of his programmes was a feature of his life, which included 25 books, 4 wives, endless money troubles and bankruptcy in 1996. He will be remembered, deservedly, as the best ever TV chef.

 DEPARTURES 

  James Bateman, b.k.a. Henry Gibson

A diminutive actor, who could do comedy and menace with equal facility, has died at 73. Mr. Gibson began his acting career at the age of 8 and studied drama at university. He played small parts in comedy films in the 1960s, including The Nutty Professor (1963) starring Jerry Lewis, and he got regular work in TV shows such as The Beverly Hillbillies and The Dick Van Dyke Show. His big break came in Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In, where he spent 4 years delivering dotty poems.
   His subsequent film parts unveiled a darker side of his repertoire, notably in the Chandler epic The Long Goodbye, and he became a regular in the work of US director Robert Altman. Spotting Henry Gibson in his multitude of cameo roles in US TV series like Magnum PI, Knight Rider and Murder, She Wrote remains an enjoyable hobby, and he became a regular in Boston Legal in 2004.

 CLIMATE NEWS 
  Overblown, corrupt and in charge

climate change sloganHere's a prime example of the EU in action. It has banned the import and manufacture of 100W and 150W incandescent bulbs, which are cheap and work, in favour of fluorescent bulbs, which cost a bomb and don't do the same job. And all in the name of reducing carbon dioxide emissions by a meaningless amount, which will be suitable inflated by Global Warming Scammers in government. But that's the EU way, getting rid of something that works doesn't count as long as public money can be shoved into the pockets of the usual scroungers.

climate change sloganExploding Fridges Explained
In the olden days, fridges & aerosols used to use non-flammable coolants & propellants. Then holes were found in the ozone layer, which blocks harmful UV radiation from the sun. So most of the coolants/propellants were banned because the chlorine in them was zapping ozone in the upper atmosphere.
   In the present day, some fridge manufacturers are using forms of propane (used in gas heaters & cookers) and butane (lighter fuel) as their coolant. And if the pipes start to leak and the highly inflammable coolant vapour reaches a spark in a thermostat . . . BOOM! No damage to the ozone layer but lots to any human beings in the vicinity.
 • The official government advice is that leaving the fridge door open will prevent a build-up of explosive gases inside.

climate change slogan10:10 Launches This Month
What is it? A totally pointless campaign to persuade people, companies & organizations to try to cut their carbon emissions by 10% in 2010.
What will it do about Climate Chance? It will have absolutely no measurable effect on the Earth's climate, which cannot be affected by gestures.

climate change sloganJust so you know . . .
Creating sustainable sources of energy is a good idea – as long as the projects are practical, affordable, capable of being put into effect quickly to fill the energy gap created by Gordon Brown's dithering, and free of bullshit about being capable of controlling the Earth's climate.

climate change sloganWho ate all the light bulbs?
Ms Valerie Hemsley-Flint is the prime suspect. She has over 1,000 of them in her personal stash and she is now in the fortunate position of being able to raise the twin fingers of derision at the European Commission and its staff of Global Warming Swindlers, who want us to switch from incandescent bulbs to overprice fluorescents instead of more efficient LEDs.

climate change sloganBad comic on nationwide tour
The boy Milipede is taking his festival fringe show on the road. Britain's teenage foreign secretary is hoping to wow audiences with his climate change predictions and tales of alligators in the swamps of Sweden and camel trekking across the deserts of southern Spain and France.
   The tour is being paid for by the British taxpayer and it's a scare/scam. The scare is that global temperatures will rise by 4 deg.C by the end of the century and the scam is that the Brown government can stop it if the taxpayer chips in enough cash.

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FOODY NEWS

What's really good for you!

Black squareIt's official! Fast-frozen fresh food is better for you in terms of vitamins and nutritional value than unfrozen fresh food, which has been trucked or shipped from pillar to post.

mayanFun or flu? Some choice!
The staff of Her Majesty's Prison The Verne, Dorset, found themselves being run off their feet when trying to keep the dispensers of antibacterial swine flu hand gel stocked. Then they found out where it was going. The prisoners were distilling off the alcohol, making their own hooch and getting tipsy & belligerent. So no more hygiene in the joint!

Home News
 HOME NEWS 
UK FlagThe way forward?

mayan£ord S£eaze is reported to be £obbying for the appointment of Gorba£s Mick M'Grahi, the new£y re£eased £ockerbie bomber, as an honorary Speaker of the House of Commons as a gesture of truth & reconci£iation.

mayanGram'mar unaboli'shed?
'Salford City Council, to name but one, i's i's'suing 'staff with an Idiot's Guide to the Apo'strophe with the warning: "Just becau'se you don't know how to u'se them, that doesn't mean that most of your reader's won't know either. Don't 'show off your iggorance, u'se the Guide!"
 • Birmingham City Council has taken a more New Labour approach to the problem, banning the use of the apostrophe all together.
 • Sutton Council (Triv Dem) has a policy of putting apostrophes on 50% of all street sign's to cause equal offence to everyone.

mayanThis month's big debate
What everyone would like to know for sure is, "Does Gordon Brown have a moral compass?" The usual response is, "Well, he's lied about everything else, so why should this issue be any different?"

mayanThis month's handy fact:
The Number of the Beast is really 616. The widely touted 666 is a result of translation and transcription cock-ups.

mayanBrown gesture
The outgoing prime monster has apologized to the mathematician Alan Turing, who died in 1954 and was unable to appreciate the meaningless gesture.

mayanHow to get things done under New Labor
Michael Shields, convicted of attempted murder in Bulgaria, was allowed to serve his sentence in Britain. Mr. Shields says he's innocent, and someone else confessed to the crime. Justice Sec. J. Straw was not impressed. But then Mr. Shields' threatened to stand against Straw at the next general election. Suddenly, Straw found grounds (undisclosed) to get Mr. Shields a pardon. Magic!

Black squareForget Swine Flu and start worrying about Monkey Malaria.

mayanPolitical Party of the Month
Skint Fein – they're financially as well as morally bankrupt.

mayanFor the benefit of those who wait for the official denial before believing the rumour . . .
Gordon Brown has denied popping pills to cope with the stress of being a failure. His story is he looks like that because he's feeling the country's pain, not because everybody hates him and his own party wants to get shot of him as soon as possible to have some credibility at the next-but-two general election.

mayan"Giz a chance, mate!"
Gordon Brown, the out-going prime monster, has asked the country for 12 more years to undo all the bog-ups of the last 12 years. He hopes to return the country to the sunny uplands of 1997, to a time before anyone had ever heard of New Labour.

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Find out when this side-splitting film reaches a cinema near you! SOON!
Slapstick, Suntans & Semtextm – The ULTIMATE fun combination!

NIEDERGANG NEWS
Back To Base

mayanThe Führer has returned to the capital after an inspection and morale-boosting visit to the Eastern Front. He found the troops in excellent spirits and confidence in Final Victory at its highest level ever.

mayanFurther sacrifices are needed by the middle classes, the Führer has announced, if Final Victory is to be achieved. In return, he will offer them his eternal hand of friendship and his undying gratitude.

mayanHis subjects are waiting nervously for a response from the Führer Bunker following the news that Baron von Sleaze, the Minister of Armaments and War Production, has been making peace overtures to the enemy and even offering to work from them in the unlikely event that Final Victory is not achieved.

WAR NEWS
It's Official

mayanRussian President D. Medvedyev has denied that the communist dictator J. Stalin started World War II. So it must be true. This is the latest of a string of revisions issued by Pres. Medvedyev's Commission for the Falsification of History, which he established in May, 2009. The Commission has the brief of rehabilitating past dictators to excuse the excesses of present ones, and to provide justification for Russia's plans to re-annex the Baltic states, Ukraine and other former vassal states of the Soviet Union.

mayanHello! That's enough, thank you.
We've done World War II. We don't need another rehash because it's been done to death for 70 years, all the departed heroes have been deconstructed and there's nothing left to be picked from the bones because, let us not forget, politicians never learn the lessons of history.

mayanBelieve it, or what!
Most conspiracy theories hold that famous people (Elvis, to name but one) didn't die and remain available to be spotted in your local neighbourhood supermarket. The Osama bin Laden conspiracy theory stands accepted wisdom on its head by claiming that he died at the end of 2001 and the CIA is keeping him 'alive' to scam billions of dollars from the US taxpayer.

Black squareAccording to a large number of Americans, the greatest threat to peace & stability on Earth is Obamunism.

mayanAl O'Bama Slammer!
Those dope pedlars in Afghanistan had better watch out. President Al O'Bama, the Pride of the South, had put General McChrystal Meth on their trail. His orders are to seek and destroy wherever the enemy is to be found, and keep profit out of the bank accounts of anti-American scumbags.

mayanThere had to be a reason
Apparently, details of MPs' theft by expenses scams were leaked by the staff responsible for censoring the claims to remove embarrassing detail prior to publication. The staff had moonlighting soldiers acting as security guards, and the soldiers were able to fill them in on the government's failure to support and supply the troops in Afghanistan, and the indignation just boiled over.

world news
 WORLD NEWS 
Another fine mess

The European Commission has admitted that the manufacturers of compact fluorescent lamps (CFLs) are exaggerating their light output shamelessly. Manufacturers claim, for instance, that an 11 Watt CFL is the equivalent of a soon-to-be banned 60W incandescent bulb.
   In fact, the equivalence factor is 4, not 5, and people wanting to replace a 60W bulb should settle for nothing less than a 15W CFL and at least a 25W CFL to replace a 100W incandescent bulb.

mayanThe latest conspiracy theory
Lockerbie bomber 'Mick' M'Grahi will be 'killed off' in a Libyan private hospital to which the rest of the world has no access, he will receive a state funeral in the best possible taste, and then he will live out the rest of his years in the bosom of his family, but under a new identity, at a home for retired spooks.

Money to burn? (And sod the carbon dioxide generated!)
The Council of Europe is flying John 'Two Jags' Prescott around the world, at great expense to the British taxpayer, to lecture non-Europeans on global warming. Quite what the non-Euros will make of Prescott's fractured brand of English remains to be seen. But the fact that the CoE chose him to be a flagship communicator says rather a lot about the Council's qualifications to be throwing taxpayers' money around.

mayanBrown Plague Spreads
R. Mugabe, the crime boss in charge of Zimbabwe, has Brown's Disease. He thinks the European Union is to blame for grinding his country into the dust, not his failings as a leader and his decision to let his mates steal everything not nailed down.

Black squareCan the Obaminator save the world from the obaminable threat of Obamunism?

mayanSnip here, Gordon!
There is a move afoot to slash Britain's presence at the UN outpost in New York. Most of the time, the staff aren't in the building because the debating chamber is being boycotted. This is the standard form of protest when some character like Pres. Dinner Jacket of Iran or his Highness Gadaffy of Libya decides to rant on and on for an hour or more. At least for the period of the Brown Slump, it makes more economic sense for the present UN staff to be spending their wages in Britain rather than in Manhattan's shops.

This Month's Garbage

The Garbage Marks & Spencer, the Furniture Industry Research Association and the Furniture Ombudsman, who attempted to fob off a customer with a silly story when his leather chairs began to fade at edges, but who were foiled by Scotland's Favourite Newspaper and the British Leather Council Leather Technology Centre.

Alan Duncan, MP, sacked from the Shadow Cabinet's front row, belatedly, for moaning that MPs will have to live on rations if their expenses have to be justified or claimed honestly.

The Squeaker of the House of Commons, J. Bercow, has awarded the job of his personal spin doctor to a mate, who helped out with his election campaign, and who will collect £107K per year from the public purse (until Mr. Squeaker is unseated at the next general election).

Flintshire council is now selling Spotted Richard in the canteen at its HQ @ Mold County Hall after an outbreak of political correctness.

The bunch of headbangers who elected G. Brown World Politician of the Year.

Debbie Crabb, head of Great Tey primary school, Essex, who got a dinner lady fired for telling a pupil's parents that their daughter had been tied up and assaulted and the school covered up the assault.

Gordon Brown being miffed because Pres. O'Bama doesn't want to meet him after G.B. has persisted in trying to dump the blame for his Brown Slump on the good ol' USA.

Spar, which doesn't let its assistants open sachets of brown sauce for customers to put on sandwiches on the bogus 'elf & nazi ground that "a piece of the plastic sachet might fall into the sandwich and choke the customer".

 
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