Black Flag News
 
 2007/June 
  FINAL
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No. 10 Certificate of EndorsementEvery edition of BFN is compiled
in accordance with official 10 Downing Street guidelines on accuracy and veracity.

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space news
SPACE NEWS
Space Shuttle Atlantis gets off the ground at last!

Shuttle Atlantis launch, 2007.06.09

#Not a vintage night for the alleged news services
The space shuttle Atlantis should have been launched to the ISS on March 15th but a humungous hail storm at the end of February battered 2,500 'dings' in the foam insulation on the external fuel tank, so NASA's contractors had to fix them before another launch date could be set. Remarkably, the June 8th date was kept and the shuttle duly leapt into space at 23:38 hours GMT on 2007/06/08, which was actually 38 minutes past midnight on the 9th for viewers in Romiley.
   So how did any stop-ups who wanted to watch the launch live on TV get on? Not very well, is the answer. BBC News 24 abandoned all pretence of delivering a 24-hour news service at half-past twelve. The newsroom staff were taking a tea break, and some pre-recorded stuff was putting pictures on the screen, while the launch was going on.
   CNN actually mentioned the launch about 10 minutes before the off, but the channel was showing an alleged comedy show, making a mockery of the 'News' in its name, when everything was happening in Florida.
   Euro News to the rescue! They grudgingly parted with 3 minutes of their valuable time. Then, a couple of minutes after lift-off, they rushed back to some adverts.
   News on TV after midnight? Forget it!
UpdateThe shuttle landed safely on Friday June 22nd, but at Edwards Air Force Base in California as heavy and persistent rain in Florida meant that a landing at the Kennedy Space Center was out of the question.

RETURNS

Hatshepsut

Egypt's first female pharaoh has been an empty space in history for ages. A lot was known about her life and times, despite the efforts of her successor, Thutmosis III, to erase her from history, but her last resting place remained unknown. Now, her mummy has been identified following a spot of academic detective work. Apparently, it was discovered by Howard Carter in 1903 but not identified until this year, when X-rays were used to match a gap in the mummy's teeth to a tooth, which is known to have come from Hatshepsut. DNA comparisons with known female relatives are in progress. Her remains are now on show in the Cairo Museum.

The Cold Fire of Madness by Philip H. Turner

New on Lulu.com –
The Cold Fire of Madness by Philip H. Turner

BlackFlag News would like to bring to our readers' attention, this work by one of Romiley's premiere authors.

   Read about the Book on the Romiley Literary Circle website

   Buy the book in paperback or as a download from Lulu.com

Category : Crime, set in 1987

Romiley News
ROMILEY NEWS
When did Romiley last have cobbled roads?
or 'Our heritage on show'

Cobbled streetJune 2007 is the right answer, according to this contemporary photograph of the junction of Compstall Road with Beechwood Avenue! Which serves only to underline the frequent protest about the state of Romiley's broken roads and pavements – "If it's a couple of inches away from the immediate centre of the village, there's no sense of urgency about tackling even the deepest potholes."

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travel
TRAVEL NEWS
Another rip-off on the way

British Airways will be ripping off its passengers with another fuel surcharge from this month. Fuel prices to airlines have doubled in the last 3 years. BA has increased its £5 surcharge, first imposed in May 2004, by an eye-watering 1,600%!
   "Fly the flag and suffer the consequences" is BA's new corporate slogan.

!Hamilton the magnificent; but definitely not heroic
or 'the car's also a star'

Congrats to Lewis Hamilton, who started the Canadian GP from his first ever Formula 1 pole position and went on to score his first ever win. Without taking anything away from his achievement, it's worth pointing out that he needed a top-line car to achieve this very early success. He entered Formula 1 as the reigning champion of GP2, the class below, as did Nick Heidfeld, who was second in Canada, but if he'd been driving a Honda, like poor old Jenson Button, a former Wunderkind, he'd have been nowhere in the race.
   Best wishes for a speedy recovery to Robert Kubica, Heidfeld's team mate, who won the prize for the most spectacular crash of the season. His monumental prang after clipping Trulli's car at the hairpin stripped everything but a single wheel off the body shell of his BMW Sauber. His survival is a tribute to the skills of the engineers who build modern racing cars.

squareCongrats again!
The dream goes on. Hamilton took his second ever pole position and won his second ever F1 race at Indianapolis. Some of the spectators were expecting Alonso to do something daft and take both of them off the track, but the reigning champ managed to restrain his overtaking attempts to the realm of the possible.

Another rip-off on the way from this rotten government
The cost of a passport is going up yet again in October to pay for the fatally flawed ID card scheme. There will be a £6 rise in the cost of a standard passport (up to £72), a fast track 'within a week' passport (up to £97) and also the premium 'same day' service (up to £114). The kiddies are not being left out; the cost of a child's 5-year passport will go up a quid to £46.

The EU, Better out than inEuropean no-fly zone
The EU has decided that no Indonesian airlines can fly into European airspace because they all have an appalling safety record. Selected airlines operating from Russia, Ukraine, Angola & Bulgaria have also been served with exclusion offers.
   At present, no Indonesian airlines offer flights to Europe.

Iranian flagPetrol panic in Iran
The citizens of the world's 4th largest oil exporter responded to petrol rationing imposed by President Dinner Jacket with riots and by burning down petrol stations. Quite how this will improve the situation has yet to be explained. The roads in Iran are now much easier to navigate but taxi firms have cashed in by putting their prices up.

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Crime News
CRIME NEWS
A change of tack

Judge R. Pearson, who has hauled his dry cleaner into court in Washington, DC, over a lost pair of trousers, has shifted his ground somewhat. He's now claiming $2.7 million under shaky consumer protection grounds. He seems to think he's entitled to that much if he doesn't get the satisfaction which was guaranteed. Which raises the interesting question of what should happen to the judge if he gets one of his decisions wrong. Ten years in gaol if the appeal court decides he made a bog of things? Or maybe a free trip to Florida, where they still have the death penalty.

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CLIMATE NEWS
  Global warming bad news for booze?

beerThe rise and rise of the biofuel industry has left barley in short supply; to the detriment of beer brewers and the whisky industry. It looks like drinkers can expect huge price rises as alcohol for drinking competes with alcohol added to fuels to replace part of the oil-derived component.

climate change sloganFools' eco-Paradise!
The nearly carbon-neutral eco-house being touted as 'the way forward' by the government costs £40,000 more to build than a proper house, but it saves £800 per year on fuel bills.
   Which means that the sucker who buys one has to live there for 50 years before getting into profit on fuel – and that doesn't take into account the extra slice of mortgage interest payable on that extra £40K.

climate change sloganShock-Horror!
The flicker rate of low-energy fluorescent light bulbs is just right for triggering dizziness and other symptoms characteristic of the early stages of a fit in people suffering from epilepsy. Which is bad news for anyone who neglects to have a good stock of incandescent light bulbs when the EU bans them in 2009.

climate change sloganBack to a biological solution!
Norfolk County Council is switching to sheep to keep its grass under control and abandoning diesel-powered mowers in the name of reducing the county's carbon footprint. The county's Rural Engineering Department is also looking at ways to fit collectors and storage tanks to their more eco-friendly grass chompers as grazing sheep emit rather a lot of methane, which is 30x more potent as a greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide.

climate change sloganA government which has never listened
Ever since the devastating floods of 1998, the Environment Agency, professional environmentalists and the insurance industry have been warning the government that encouraging developers to build on flood plains isn't a good idea. But the government has taken the view that the benefits of the new housing outweigh the risks, and decided that not building flood defences is another good idea. Result: another disaster in a long line of them.

climate change sloganBad advice to get just deserts
People in Yorkshire, who bought drought-resistant plants to keep their gardens in bloom despite climate change, are now threatening to sue their garden advisors after the plants were washed away by this month's floods.

RECYCLED ADVERTISEMENT (from March 2004)
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   In his section on "Exposing the Racket", Mr. Marshall list 42 benefits of climate change which the world's politician are trying to hide. He also lists 42 previously concealed hazards of living on a more violent planet.
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FUTURE FÜHRER NEWS
When the brown national socialist labour party takes charge of the country . . .

future fuhrer, clunking fist  • All migrants will be sacked and they will be allowed to take another job only after all proper British citizens have achieved full employment.
  • All interpreters for languages other than major European ones will be sacked.
  • All migrants will be required to attend English classes and they will not be entitled to citizenship rights until they can speak English properly.
  • All migrants will be evicted from their housing and they will be allowed a roof over their head only after all proper British citizens who grew up in the area have been properly accommodated.
  • Migrants who indulge in drinking in the streets, congregating in the streets and other forms of anti-social behaviour will be subject to immediate deportation with no prospect of appeal.
  • June 28th will become Britain Day, a national holiday devoted to celebrating everything British and including the compulsory wearing of Union Jack underpants.

DEPARTURES

Nose Art

Memphis Belle nose artThe po-faced desk-jockeys at the Ministry of Defence have decided that adorning the noses of aircraft with pictures of near-naked ladies is too sexist, too 20th century, much too American and way too politically incorrect for them, so all such works of art have been banned with effect from this month.
   The tipping point, apparently, was the Harrier bomber squadron, which is currently dumping on the Taliban in Afghanistan. Some blairite jobsworth decided that it would be too distressing for allegedly Moslem terrorists to be confronted with an image of a naked woman as the RAF was bombing the fu*ck out of them.
   No female RAF personnel have registered complaints.

DEPARTURES

Sir David Hatch

A leading BBC radio producer, and cast member of the seminal 1960s Radio 4 comedy show I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again, has died at 68. He was lured from the Church to performing at Cambridge and switched direction again to production when he joined the BBC. His production credits also include Week Ending, I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue and Just a Minute; radio versions of Richard Gordon's Doctor in the House series, and radio versions of popular TV shows.
   He moved up to higher management in the 1970s, he served as controller of Radio 2 then Radio 4 and reached the dizzy height of managing director (radio) in 1987. Following his retirement, he became a JP in Buckinghamshire, and the chairman of the parole board. He received his knighthood in 1994 as recognition for his work at the parole board.

DEPARTURES

Bernard Manning

An entertainer and comedian, who was famous for upsetting the politically correct, has died at 76. He began his performing career as a singer and acquired his own venue when he and his dad bought the Embassy Club in Manchester in 1959. Mr. Manning achieved national recognition as a member of the cast of the Granada TV show The Comedians in the 1970s. Despite running into the PC buffers in the 1980s, he continued to perform through the remainder of the 20th century and into the 21st. He will be long remembered for all sorts of politically incorrect reasons.

DEPARTURES

smug bugger

Smug BuggerYes, the bastard has gone at long last. The howls of derision from the crowd as he was hauled out of 10 Downing Street were quite amusing. The cameras were careful to avoid shots of the small mob but your reporter can confirm that most saluted him with two fingers while a lazier minority used just one.
   But the tragedy of it is that all we've done is swap one lying bungler for another.

DEPARTURES

Chris Benoit

A Canadian 'superstar' of World Wrestling Entertainment has died at 40 as a result of murder/ suicide (probably steroid-fuelled) also involving his wife and their handicapped child. A graduate of Stu Hart's notorious cellar, Chris Benoit found success in Japan then joined Extreme Championship Wrestling in the US. He switched to the now defunct WCW then moved on to the WWF with 3 companions. He was the last survivor of the Radicalz, which also comprised the late Eddie Guerrero, Dean Malenko and Perry Saturn. His last move was a recent return to ECW in a shake-up of the WWE rosters.
   Steroids and pain-killers became a necessary part of his performing life as he was driven to bulk up his physique to compensate for his lack of size and keep going despite injuries caused by his often reckless style and his personal brand of 'toothless aggression'. Those injuries included a broken neck, which was successfully repaired surgically, proving that while the outcomes of TV wrestling matches are fixed, the risks remain very real.

Home News
HOME NEWS
UK FlagYawn!

#We've tried really, really hard but we find it absolutely impossible to care that john prescott is in hospital. He's been such a waste of space for so long that we are quite unable to give even a tiny fraction of a rat's ass about what happens to him.

#Out of sight, not out of mind!
Contractors who painted white lines on the A337 in the New Forest at the dead of night were ordered by Hampshire council to do the job again. Why? Because the wobbly state of the lines suggested that the painters had come straight from a binge session at their local pub!

#Attention, voters!
Following a succession of false policy starts and U-turns, notably on whether or not grammar schools are a good thing, Dave 'The Leader' Cameron has been renamed Skidmark.

clunking coinSo much for the fiver
The Bank of England has a cellarful of £5 notes and the governor isn't happy about it. He thinks the generally tatty state of the nation's fivers reflects badly on the Bank, and he blames the main clearing banks for maintaining an artificial shortage of them by not putting fivers in cash machines on cost grounds.
   So it looks like the faithful old fiver is destined to go the way of the ten bob note and the pound note, and be replaced by a clunking great coin, which will wear clunking great holes in everyone's pockets.
   And they call that progress?

#Attention again, voters!
Greenwich council (labour) is scoring points with the government by cutting £24 million from its budget but it still managed to find £95,000 for a year's use of a luxury box at the revamped Millennium Dome for the use of councillors and staff.

#A heckle!
During his coronation:
   g.b. ". . . we must have more than a set of policies; we must have an arsehole."
   Heckler "Yes, gordon, we've got one – it's you!"

#For the benefit of history buffs . . .
Mr. gordon buggins has become our prime minister following the enforced retirement of smug bugger. Big deal!

Future Fuhrer Clunking Fist

COMING SOON!

FUTURE FÜHRER, CLUNKING FIST
The memoirs of a political giant
political biography told to Maria Mangold

Read his account of 10 years on the seat of power!
Witness his manipulations of the levers of power!
Get the inside track on Neo-classical Endogenous Growth Theory!
Learn the secret of being nowhere to be found when the trouble starts!

Praise for FUTURE FÜHRER, CLUNKING FIST:
   "The political neo-classic of the century, if not the millennium."
The New Political Review
   "The best-written set of memoirs of all time . . . I was constantly biting my nails!"
Ghost-Writers Anonymous
   "Guaranteed to win the hearts and minds of everyone in Britain"
– Prudence Harbinger, the new Sunday Telegraph political correspondent

Pre-order it from Romiley Bookshop, 101 Riverside Drive, Romiley.

Sulking Giant Clunking Fist

COMING SOON!

SULKING GIANT, CLUNKING FIST
The untold story of a leader in waiting
and waiting and waiting
A political conversation with Wang Zhou Li

Read this compelling story of a prime minister in waiting and his attempts to draw a veil over his part in New Labour's 10 years of sleaze, lies and policy failures!
New appendix added on how the Giant's promise to be free of spin and news manipulation went horribly wrong when he tried to bury the details of the donations to his non-existent leadership campaign under the circus-like antics surrounding his predecessor's departure!
Learn the secret of being nowhere to be found when the trouble starts!

Praise for SULKING GIANT, CLUNKING FIST:
   "Not a bad effort, actually."
Political Perviews
   "Never gets round to where the bodies are buried."
Crime-Writers' Weakly
   "Kung hey fat choy!"
New China Digest

Pre-order it from Romiley Bookshop, 101 Riverside Drive, Romiley.

LOGO NEWS
Something we'll have to put up with for the next 5 years

new 2012 Olympic logoThe gang of usual suspects, who are in charge of blowing the vast amounts of cash stolen from good causes on the 2012 Olympics, have come up with their idea of a suitable logo.
   It's not a static image, it changes colour all the time, it's for the internet generation, it's supposed to get people excited and breaking a leg to join in the Olympic messing about; it cost four hundred thousand bloody quid and it's utterly crap. "What's it supposed to be?" is the most common reaction to the new logo.
   "But it doesn't look like it has anything much to do with the Olympics," is the next most common reaction.
   "He absolutely hates it," said a spokesman for the mayor's office, proving that Red Ken isn't a complete tosser.
   "People are just going to have to get used to it," said A. Bassett of the aptly named LOCO – the London Organizing Committee of the Olympics.
   "It's as bad as the 2008 Chinese Olympic logo, which looks like something off a toilet door," said our graphic design expert.
   "Anyone who think that will get anyone excited is either a professional liar or lacking enough brain cells to get into double figures," said our motivational responses expert.

2012istan London Olympics logoHow quickly it all went wrong
More or less the second it was unveiled, there were people calling it the most crap design of all time and epileptics were claiming it had given them seizures. But the perpetrators of the new Olympic logo knew they were really in trouble when the Jewish lobby started pretending it looks like a battered swastika and the sound of barrel-scraping became deafening.
   Wolff Olins, the 'brand consultants' who perpetrated the logo, were quick to get someone to point out that the likes of LOCO don't trust a designer to come up with something, they insist on an endless round of focus groups and bogus consultations, and that's how £400,000 got blown, and that's how WO delivered the worst possible advert for their own company as well as the 2012 Olympics.
   But what must have had the company's executives queueing up at their building's highest windows was the way the general public offered alternatives and did so much better at the job. Maybe, if the WO design is junked, LOCO should let Blue Peter organize the competition for the replacement.

squareLord Coe, the Olympics guru, is colour-blind, which says a hell of a lot about his qualifications to decide what a good logo should look like.

Tory tree logoDave 'The Leader' Cameron is obviously taking the piss when he offered to LOCO, the address of the firm which came up with his lame tree logo. But come to think of it, the tree looks almost value for money next to WO's effort.

squareThe best from the BBC's alternatives
The design submitted by Andrew Milloy was voted (by us, not the people who voted on the BBC website) the logo which best characterizes an Olympics in London. The runner up was the logo (below, centre) created by Andrew Robinson, which would have won by a mile on honesty grounds. But we felt that it needed modifying a bit to drive home the point.

Andrew Milloy logoAndrew Robinson logoBFN modified Robinson logo
Andrew Milloy's logoAndrew Robinson's logoBFN modified
Robinson logo

Wolff Olins 2012 Olympic logo
"2R is human, to ignore the waste of time, effort and taxpayers' cash is bloody well impossible!"

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BlackFlag News SENDS
ZERO WASTE
FROM OUR OFFICES TO LANDFILL SITES
(We sent it to China instead. Oh, what a giveaway!)

Posted by BlackFlag News, 1 Riverside Drive, Romiley.

WAR NEWS
Empty Posturing

Screw BlairPresident Putin of Russia is wasting his time by targetting his nuclear missiles on Europe. "If you zap us, who are you going to sell your natural gas to, you jerk?"

#Probably the last thing we need is President Dubya laughing at his good pal 'Vladmir' and reminding him the cold war's over and he lost. Or our present passenger prime monster trying to persuade Dubya to cool his jets and stop razzing up the Russkies. If anyone is going to get World War III started in a hurry, it's that trio of geniuses!

squareA British soldier was killed in Basra in the first week of the month, bringing the total of military personnel killed in Iraq to 150.
   In Afghanistan, the total of British service personnel killed since 2001 is now 60.

#Surprise!
A full & frank 'investigation' by the Ministry of Defence has found that no one at all is to blame for the cock-up in the Persian Gulf, which left 15 British naval personnel in the hands of Iranian pirates back in March of this year.
UpdateIt comes as no surprise to learn that the Iranians tried this same kidnapping trick on the Aussies earlier and they were sent packing with their tails between their legs.

!Surprise Again!
BFN's Religious Affairs Correspondent write: "It comes as something of a shock to learn that there is actually a Central Council for Ex-Moslems in Britain, given that abandoning this religion is generally seen as an invitation to violent murder with maximum collateral damage to those still adhering to Islam. Apparently, the CCEM has dared to poke its collective heads above the parapet to say that the government is pandering to the fundamentalists by showering them with loads of taxpayers' cash, and this odious practice should be halted forthwith.
   "While this may be true, it seems unlikely that the labour party will stop trying to buy the Moslem vote with other people's money, even after Mr. buggins-broon takes over," our RA correspondent opined.

$Regime suicide!
Zimbabwe's inflation rate, currently 11,800%, is expected to hit 1,5,000,000% by the end of the year and produce automatic regime change without outside intervention. One thing that's for sure is that Mugabe and his criminal associates don't have their escape funds stashed under the matress in Z$!

!Brilliant idea!
President Bush has suggested making our present passenger prime monster a Middle East peace envoy. BFN's Hot Zone Correspondent comments: "Sounds like a great way to get rid of the bugger – stick him between Hamas and the equally trigger-happy Israelis."

the blair legacy

The Guardian of the Legacy

10 glorious years of achievements!.
Celebrate tony blair's glorious heritage!
Visit this homage to the greatest living Brit TODAY!

world news
WORLD NEWS
If you ever wondered what Pres. Mugabe was for . . .

dollarInflation in Zimbabwe is now 3,700% per year. So it's just as well old Mug has most of the country's liquid assets stashed safely in his Swiss bank account.

climate change sloganPeople's President sabotages Merkel stitch-up
George Dubya Bush decided he wasn't going to get involved in the German chancellor's posturing on carbon dioxide at the G8. The United States announced that it wishes to be included out until other major carbon dioxide emitters like India & China sign up to economy-wrecking cuts.
   After telling the world that he'd talk his good pal George round, our present passenger prime monster was left with yet more egg on his face at his final international posturing opportunity.

All thieving bastards called brown take note . . .
"The fruits of a lifetime of work should not be handed over to the government."
   N. Sarcozy, the new French president, on the subject of abolishing inheritance tax for 95% of French citizens.

!Safer driving for Greece, By Order!
The Greek government has placed a blanket ban on roadside 'crumpetverts' in the light of growing evidence that drivers gazing at scantily clad female forms on advertising hoardings contributes significantly to the country's accident record, which is the worst in Europe. Greece records 22,000 car crashes per year, one every 24 minutes, and 2,000 deaths annually. Corruption in local government is seen as the biggest obstacle to eliminating the eye-candy.

The EU, Better out than inVirtual Voting?
Poland has suggested a new voting rights formula for the European Union. It's based on the population which each country would have had if the Nazis hadn't started World War 2 and wiped out tens of millions of people. The Germans, who are throwing billions of Eurotaxpayers' money at the Poles; a lot of it from British taxpayers; to assuage their war-guilt are not amused.

!Russians claim half of North Pole!
No one is allowed to own the North Pole under international law, but the Russians are trying to change all that. They have launched a decidedly dodgy claim to half a million square miles of Arctic territory based on suspect geological 'evidence'. It comes as no surprise that the area in question is rich in gas, oil and minerals. But there's a fly in the ointment. The same 'evidence' gives Canada an equally valid claim to both Russia and the whole of Eurasia.

clunking fist
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This Month's Garbage

The Garbage The Arts Council, which refused a grant to the Elgar Society to mark the composer's 150th birthday with a series of youth concerts. The reason for the rejection? Too British & patriotic.

The £400K Wolff Olins design for the 2012 Olympics logo.

corrupt brown labour's desire for a British Day after scotch gordon and the rest of his party have spent 10 years trying to debase Britain, its people, its history and everything to do with being British.

Judge R. Pearson of Washington, DC, for a second month in a row, even if he's dropped his damages claim against a dry-cleaning firm from $33 million to a very modest $28 million.

The so-called independence of the Bank of England if scotch gordon broon gets to pick the people on the committee that decides what the interest rate will be.

The notion that giving a knighthood to Salman Rushdie justifies suicide bombings by Moslem terrorists.

A knighthood for 'services to literature' going to someone like Salman Rushdie, who churns out pretentious tosh.

The notion that Rushdie got his K by public demand. This garbage is being purveyed by J. Stephens, the Culture Dept.'s permanent sec.

The notion that anyone cares if a twat like tony blair joins the Catholics to get his war crimes pardoned – assuming the Pope wants someone like blair in his club.

The ban on reruns of 1950s adverts for eggs featuring Tony Hancock.

 
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