We are seeking nominations for the biggest political piss-take of all time. For our part, we can't get past David Steele telling the Liberal conference to go home and prepare for government.
Telecoms giant ntl is 'improving' its service to customers in October by abolishing its "3-2-1" call plan, which offered cheaper phone calls at weekends and evenings. As a result, evening calls will cost 50% more and the price of a weekend phone call will triple. Worse, the rates for 0845 and 0870 calls are also going up by a massive 25%. The price rises are thought to have been triggered by the current broadband war, which is slicing into the profits of the major telecoms suppliers.
One of Britain's most popular composers, if not with the 'arty-farty' set, has died at 84. He began his musical career playing the trumpet with the London Philharmonic and went on to compose 9 symphonies, 7 ballets, 2 operas and 20 concerti in addition to many chamber works and incidental pieces, which included works for Gerard Hoffnung festivals.
It's official! We're at war with Afghanistan. But don't tell anyone because the government would like it kept secret.
Troops home but not in our lifetime!
MoD lies exposed
Who does he think he's kidding?
Cyclists who wear helmets are more likely to be hit by motorists. Why? Because idiot motorists assume that anyone in a helmet is an experienced bike rider, who doesn't need to be given extra road space. Which is why they drive three inches closer, on average, to helmeted bikistas. Or four inches, in the case of White Van Man.
Hot air from Gordon!
How safe do you feel flying with BA?
If you're thinking of subscribing to the European Union's satellite navigation system . . .
1. You can make diamonds out of the cremated remains of a loved one.
2. If the polar ice melts, we'll all drown!
Invest £60,000 in a Scottish Widows Premier Savings Plan and you'll get £59,700 back after 10 years. But the good news is that the Widows will get £12,000 in fees, charges, expenses and commission. Good deal, or what!
Legislators on speed?
Second Class postage rate doubles
An Xmas stamp bought in 1981 cost 11½p compared to 23p for the stamps which will go on sale on November 7th. Which is not a bad deal, really, when you match it to the way other prices have shot up over the last 25 years. First class post is not quite such a bargain, however. What once cost 14p will set the customer back 32p this Xmas.
Out of sight? Never mind!
The people making a living out of the European Union would like to abolish countries and have a collection of regions. The Germans, who are next in line for the rotating presidency, have decided to test this concept to destruction by creating arbitrary 'regions' out of coastal areas. Thus the north of Scotland gets lumped in with Scandinavia and Kent becomes part of a region with areas of France.
Hungarian prime minister stricken by honesty attack!
A period of silence would be appreciated
Not 'either/or'. It's 'neither/nor'!
The choice for the nation's prime minister:
Tanks in Thailand
It will be a million pages long, 'ordinary people' will be able to make neither head nor tail of it (by deliberate design), it will mean whatever the lawyers want it to mean, brown will keep tinkering with it for as long as he can and the British people will be no better off. In fact, remembering what g. brown has done with his earlier flagships, such as the absolute shambles surrounding tax credits and attendance allowances, the British people will be a whole lot worse off.
The spivs who harvest and sell mussels from the bay of Mont St. Michel, Normandy, are working a miracle. Their annual crop is around 10,000 tons but some 20,000 tons of MSM mussels find their way into Europe's restaurants every year. Needless to say, more or less all of the ones that end up in Britain are fakes.
Omega 3 racket exposed
Recycled politics from Green Dave
Frustrated motorist Craig Moore demolished a speed camera with thermit in the hope that this dramatic action would save him from a driving ban (see our report last month). Unfortunately, he did in a 'traffic-calming' camera, which was there to intimidate motorists into obeying the speed limit rather than to collect evidence against them. Even so, Mr. Moore collected a gaol sentence of 4 months for doing criminal damage to the tune of £11,000.
corrupt blair labour's latest law-enforcement idea
Not so harmless fun
For your criminal convenience . . .
Common sense failure is contagious
What's up with that?
D.C.I'm confused. Is this guy Omar in line for some sort of award, or what?
Cops at a standstill
Police racialism exposed
The first black stand-up comedian to achieve national recognition has died at 78. A Yorkshireman first, last and always, Charlie Williams left school to become a wartime coal miner. He played for Doncaster Rovers as a centre-half between 1949 and 1959, then he became a singer and comedian on the Northern working men's club circuit.
After being told he's no longer welcome by well over half of his party, the leader of corrupt blair labour is to stand down next year. His plan is to announce his resignation on 2007/05/31 and, after a 2-month coronation for scotch gordon broon (or not!), he will go to Buckingham Palace to ask the Queen for his P45.
The BBC TV icon, who presented the science & new technology programme Tomorrow's World for a dozen years, has died at 84. A Spitfire pilot during World War Two, he turned to broadcasting when peace broke out and became a pioneer of BBC outside broadcasts in the 1950s and a standard-setter. Mr. Baxter's other notable jobs included covering the state funeral of Sir Winston Churchill in 1965 and the first flight of Concorde in 1969. Never a retiring sort, he continued working until the day before his final trip to hospital.
Britain's most famous demolition expert has died at 83. Derek Bates became a bomb disposal expert during World War Two, and made demolition his trade in peacetime. He blew down redundant industrial chimneys, he helped to create the racing circuit at Oulton Park and he is credited with blowing up the underground vaults of a bank without disturbing the customers at ground level.
The Swiss food giant Nestlé will kill off production of these chocolate sweets at the former Rowntree factory in York and move all Smarties production to Hamburg next year. This is the latest in a whole string of messings about with familiar products, which has left consumers saddled with rip-off prices and/or an inferior replacements.
Disillusioned by the Essex Police's clumsy attempt to fit up his nephew for shoplifting, author R.D. Wingfield has announced that his popular character has reached the end of the line. He no longer feels able to write any more pro-police Frost books, and his current opus, A Killing Frost, will be the last.
corrupt blair labour's pantomime horse plans to chuck in the towel when the boss quits. He leaves behind a legacy of mangling the English language; brawling in public and pretending it's a virtue; political dodginess involving taking gifts and favours from wealthy men who stand to make a ton of money out of government decisions; being paid vast amounts of taxpayers' money for doing bugger all; poor judgement; arrogance in office; infidelity and sheer blundering crudity.
This beef-stock product has been around since 1870 but it suffered a profound change in 2004. Following the BSE scare and the ban on British beef exports, it was reformulated as a savoury yeast product (which tasted fairly okay). Now that the export ban has been lifted, Bovril is returning to its roots and getting its beef content back again.
The Anschutz Organization, proprietors of the former Millennium Dome, are recruiting croupiers and other staff for their new casino in Greenwich. Hang on, we hear you say, isn't the bidding process still supposed to be in progress? Well, only on the surface, apparently. The decision has been made backstage and corrupt blair labour is now waiting for a sufficiently big disaster to cover up the announcement. Rogue asteroid wipes out Brussels would be a good one.
Learn or go!
Smug Mugger less popular than Smug Bugger!
What IS IT with all these bloody wall charts?
Things to say to scotch gordon broon
Red Ken not value for money
Having reached the end of its life span, the SMART-1 experimental spacecraft completed its mission in the Lake of Excellence with a crash-landing, which telescopes on Earth were able to observe.
Romiley's astronomers side with PPF
Outraged by the decision taken in Prague by just 4% of the International Astronomical Union's members, the Romiley Astronomical Society has thrown in its lot with the Pluto Preservation Front, which refuses to accept Pluto's demotion after it has enjoyed the status of a bona fide planet for 76 years.
Sense of proportion failure in Greece
Shuttle Atlantis launched at last
The mission carrying further solar power arrays to the ISS should have been launched on the last Sunday in August, but a lightning strike on the launch tower on the Friday before the launch date, and the arrival off Florida of Hurricane Ernesto, made NASA think again.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
As a public service, Jenson Farrago is offering access to his collection of bogus lottery, phishing and other email spam.
Sven Erikkson, discarded coach to the England football team, has ducked out of an inquest in Berlin on this year's World Cup. Fed up with being called a shit and a useless failure, he is staying at home and counting the £13,000 per day which he's getting from the FA until his contract runs out next summer.
"I could murder a hot pie!"
Footballers have become an endangered species in Iraq. Anyone who is any good is given a simple choice by gun-toting militiamen play for our team or lose your kneecaps. Iraqi footballers are also ransom targets for any 2-bob terrorist with a gun and a van. As a result, they are either giving up the 'beautiful game' or getting a deal which lets them play in a more civilized country.
New health initiative in Zimbabwe
The religious equivalent of football hooligans?
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