Black Flag News
2004/October
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Romiley News
ROMILEY NEWS

It'll All Be Over By Next Xmas?

The gang digging up the road in the middle of the village has switched from the south side of Compstall Road to the north side. The job is supposed to end in November this year; but if they've spent 4 months since July digging up the south side of the road, does that mean they'll be messing about on the north side until next February? An assurance that the job would be finished by October 25th has gone out of the window, so optimism levels are not high at the moment.

Road Works 24th October
Click Here to see what things looked like in August.

h5Violent storms assaulted Romiley in the final week of the month. The gale-force winds were strong enough to blow over at least one backyard wheely bin.

DICING WITH DEATH NEWS

Govt. passive about passive smoking dangers

SmerkingThe government has been sitting for 6 months on a report which says breathing other people's tobacco smoke 'dramatically increases the risk of lung cancer and heart disease' (e.g. by up to 25%).
   The reason for not publishing the report has 3 elements: 1. Ministers get time to put some NHS alibis in place; 2. The Treasury gets time to put new Stealth Taxes in place to cover the loss of revenue expected after an inevitable ban on smoking in public places; and 3. New Labour and its supporters have a chance to sell their shares in tobacco companies, and other businesses likely to be affected adversely by the ban, without crashing the price.
   As a counterblast, the smokist lobby has pointed out that all the numbers for people alleged to die of 'passive smoking' are guesswork passed off by weight of repetition as reliable data. [Something like Vice-Prez Bliar's claim that Saddam Hussein had WoMD ready for use against us in 4-5 minutes. Ed.]

h7The government has decided to scrap six-monthly NHS dental check-ups. Why? To paper over the shortage of NHS dentists without actually doing anything to solve it.

Autumn Bonus

BlackFlag News would like to offer its readers another literary adventure in the form of Romiley Literary Circle's Story of the month.

DRAGONSPAWN by Philip H. Turner
   Read the Story on the Romiley Literary Circle website

WARNING! When published in Grotesque magazine in 1993, this story was described as "fascinating and macabre with a distinctly horrible ending." NOT one for the young, the impressionable or the squeamish.

Category : 20th Century Horror / Crime

Home News
HOME NEWS

Tories go for Phanto-Communist Vote

Ditching the 1980s torch & hand symbol, under which Mrs. Thatcher enjoyed so much success, the Conservative party of the 21st Century has gone for a torch on the end of a muscular, proletarian arm. It is a symbol right out of 1930s Soviet Russia or 1950s East Germany and clearly designed to appeal to potential customers from the former Soviet Empire. [Although it does have overtones of the Statue of Liberty - Ed.] Given the way New Labour is letting migrants from Eastern Europe flood unchecked into the UK, this is clearly a shrewd marketing ploy by the Tories – familiarity gains votes!

h0The Royal Mail has decided to save money by not opening undelivered mail to see if it can be returned to the sender. From now on, anything without a return address on the outside will be fed to a corporate shredder.
   [After a routine check for cash and negotiable postal orders, of course - Ed.]

CRE gets tough with ethnic minorities

The Campaign for Racial Equality has done a survey and found that the nation's ethnic minorities are clustering in cities and failing to go and live in the countryside. If a new campaign to persuade them to spread out fails, then the Race Police will be told to round up ethnics at random and forcibly bus them out of their usual haunts. The CRE is said to favour a system of electronic tagging to ensure that the deportees remain in their new assignment areas.
   Cynics are saying that this is just part of a plot to get a chain of CRE branch offices established in the countryside – at great expense to the taxpayer – to make chairman Trevor Phillips feel even more self-important.

#Attention all NHS customers : if you are expecting to get a flu jab, don't hold your breath. The government has over-reacted and closed down the company that makes the vaccine.

Skull n CrossbonesPolice Service : Warning to Customers

If some bastard shoots you in your home, you will have to survive for AT LEAST ONE HOUR before you can expect to see a copper. Current Home Office rules prevent the police from approaching a crime scene until they can be confident that the police officers will not be in any danger.
   DO NOT EXPECT MEDICAL HELP FOR AT LEAST 90 MINUTES as the police will establish a 5-mile cordon around the crime scene and doctors and paramedics will not be allowed into the exclusion zone until the police have taken possession of the crime scene.
   The official Home Office advice to its customers is: "Bleed very slowly."

h1From 11th October, kids messing about with fireworks in the street can be persecuted to the full extent of the law.

h2Royal & SunAlliance, owner of More Than, is sacking its British call centre staff and moving the jobs to Bangalore, India. So that's another firm to avoid.

h4Animal rights terrorists have stolen the body of an 82-year-old woman from a village churchyard in Staffordshire. She was the mother-in-law of a farmer who breeds guinea pigs. Crimestoppers have now offered a reward of £5,000 for information leading to the arrest of the body-snatchers.

Smug BuggerA Land of Opportunism for All

Everything comes round again eventually, no matter how dire. For instance, flared trousers, which were popular in the 1970s, can be seen flapping around again in the early part of the 21st Century. With Vice-Prez Bliar, however, recycling has a much shorter term. His big new idea for 2004, and distraction from the illegal war in Iraq, is to redo the welfare state. The last time he tried to sell that idea was just 7 years ago, in May 1997. And we all know how far he got then.

!The people of Albania are aghast. Their favourite comedian/film star, Sir Norman Wisdom, has announced that he will retire when he turns 90 next year.

h0The BBC seems to think 'modern records' of the unemployment figures started in 1984. Does that mean that the BBC thinks there were no unemployed before 1984? Or is it disregarding all 'ancient records' from earlier periods? Or is it just accepting 1984 as an arbitrary starting point because one particular method of fiddling the figures started then?

h2A project aimed at restocking the river Thames with salmon has spent £10 million since 1979. Just 7 salmon made the journey up-river to the spawning grounds this year. A plug is about to be pulled?

en gulyemoshNote: A report on Boris Johnson's state visit to Liverpool to tell the natives he's sorry they're mawkish has been binned as too tedious to include.

#Some clown at ITN actually told us that D-Day was on June 7th 1944 during a report on this month's service of remembrance. Where do they get their idiot reporters from?

Of the Top 10 MPs when it comes to creative claiming of expenses, 9 of them are Labour and the odd one is a Scottish Nationalist.
The People's Republic of Brent has its least creative expense claimer in the East ward (£69K). The vultures in South and North Brent claim 50% more and 100% more respectively.

The town administrators of Bury St. Edmunds, Suffolk, have decided that having Xmas lights in the streets would be unsafe. They are worried that their staff are so incompetent at rigging street decorations that the lights will fall on customers below or set fire to timber-framed buildings.
   • Council officials in Suffolk are notoriously in fear of the homicidal effects of gravity, which is why they banned hanging baskets on lamp posts earlier in the year.

What's wrong with this country

Political corruption is not illegal in the UK. Corrupt politicians currently receive a punishment ranging from a mild rap on the knuckles to being obliged to resign for a while. They can be sent to gaol in other countries. And surely the most compelling argument for making political corruption an indictable offence in the UK is the thought that Peter Mandelson would be in Dartmoor rather than Brussels right now if we punished corruption appropriately.

Straw to support death at work law

Home Sec. Jack Straw has thrown his inconsiderable weight behind new legislation aimed at forcing New Labour's customers to work until they drop. Chancellor Gordon 'The Mugger' Broon feels this is the only way out of the pensions crisis, which he personally has been nourishing with Stealth Taxes since 1997.
   Note: One of our correspondents saw the above headline in theGuardian and couldn't resist giving it a more appropriate story.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
on behalf of

The British Democracy Movement
Heed The Peoplestart quoteWe'd like some in the government of our country, please.end quote

FINANCE NEWS

Another disaster in the making

New Labour's fancy new computer for the NHS will cost £6,200,000,000 and that amount of cash has been set aside. But actually getting the system up and running will double, triple or even quadruple the hardware cost and no one in government has thought where the extra cash will come from.
   The dosh will be needed to train 800,000 staff to use the system and to pay for temporary staff brought in to cover for the official NHS staff while they're on training courses. But government computer projects have a consistent history of going wildly over budget and delivering a lemon which never ever works.
   Pardon us if we don't cheer, Vice-Prez Bliar.

Client

Rake-off

TAX72.3%
Petrol Cost19.3%
Wholesaler4.8%
Retailer2.4%
Delivery1.2%
Petrol Price Distribution :

All the terrorist activity around the world and the illegal war in Iraq are making the oil producing countries nervous and the oil companies are getting a kicking for making billions out of fluctuating crude prices. But who is really profiting from soaring fuel prices?
   Here is a breakdown of where the cash goes.
   You choose, Reader!

DoshGovernment notice to customers:
forget about either retiring or enjoying yourselves

Having driven the pensions industry into crisis with its Stealth Taxes and sabotaged the savings industry, the government is trying to pretend that it is blameless. Even so, the current message to the customers is: "Work till you drop or save lots more or pay lots more in taxes if you want a decent pension."
   The current size of the black hole in public and private pension schemes is £57,000,000,000.
   Note: The government has produced a report on the pensions situation as an alternative to doing anything about it.
meanwhileHaving wasted £461,000,000 last year, the Ministry of Defence is doing twice as well this year. Geoff 'Buff' Hoon's fief will write off £926,000,000 of taxpayers' money in 2004 as 'spent but to no good effect'. The money went on projects that didn't work out and equipment which was found to be useless after delivery.
   The list of junk includes helicopters which can't fly in clouds because the electronic position-finding systems don't work; torches for the SAS which rattle (not much cop when you're trying to sneak around!); and a building to handle nuclear waste that was never used (cost: £65,000,000).

Another reason why New Labour costs so much is that it hands out consultancy jobs to its allies so that work which could be done by civil servants is done for up to ten times as much by private sector consultants. The current cost of this extravagance is £1,750,000,000 per year.

OPPORTUNITY NEWS

The fix is in for a casino on every high street

DoshOf the 16 MPs and peers who rubber-stamped the government's new Gambling Bill, only 2 did not have interests in casinos, racing and/or other gambling ventures. But that's business as usual for New Labour.
   Lord Donoughue, for instance, was a see-no-evil director of an investment firm which Labour MP and crook Robert Maxwell used to plunder his company pension funds. Donoughue declared owning shares in a major casino operator but he didn't bother to mention that his son runs a lobbying firm which represents several large gambling companies.
   Donoughue received his peerage courtesy of Neil Kinnock, whose record on encouraging corruption in the European Union is legendary. And even though the Department of Trade and Industry had slated Donoughue for not stopping Maxwell's thefts, Vice-Prez Bliar felt able to make him an agriculture minister for a couple of years.
   The Fix Went In
Before the Bill was published, New Labour ministers spent the previous 4 years junketing at the expense of casino operators around the world and representatives of the US gambling industry visited 10 Downing Street to strike a deal reminiscent of the one made with Formula One supremo Bernie Ecclestone over tobacco advertising. As a result, British gambling firms are up in arms as the take from large numbers of mug punters will be going to US rather than British companies.
   • The actual fix went in on gambling a long time ago. Gambling Minister Lord McIntosh was bragging about how much extra tax revenue the Gambling Bill would raise last year.
meanwhileLocal councils are all set to grant planning permission for casinos in exchange for 'planning gain', which amounts to naked bribery. The system guarantees a licence to build to the casino operator in exchange for also building council housing, a conference centre, a theatre or some other public facility. Alternatively, the casino can pay over a percentage of profits with a guarantee that a minimum figure (e.g. £1 million per year) will be paid to the council.
   New Labour is encouraging these deals and preparing a publicly funded advertising campaign aimed at presenting gambling with slot machines as 'just a bit of fun'.

UpdateThe Wheels Come Off

Vice-Prez Bliar's Junior Minister for Gambling, Tessa Jowell, is frantically cutting bits off the Gambling Bill to try to trim it down to something which the rest of the cabinet will swallow. The Mugger, for instance, is furious because US casino operators have been offered a 50% discount on gambling duties payable in the UK behind his back.
   Jowell is now telling so many lies about what's involved in the plan to put a casino on every high street that discerning people are starting to wonder if she's planning to start a war somewhere. And Vice-Prez Bliar has ordered civil servants in the know not to give out any information on the government's links with the gambling industry. The restricted information includes:

  • Who met whom and when.
  • Who paid for hospitality and how much.
  • Topics discussed.
  • How many meetings there were.
  • Tax concessions offered.
  • What was offered in the way of under-the-counter deals and whether the deals were accepted or rejected.

New Labour's story is that casinos everywhere will bring vast social and economic benefits to the whole country as well as 'regenerating' the areas where casinos are built. It ignores the reality in the United States, which is that the arrival of casinos in run-down areas failed to bring the promised roads, housing, other infrastructure and jobs. Instead, crime, domestic violence and suicide are all up.
   Afterthought : Why is some bloke from the Moslem Council of Britain poking his nose into the 'Great Gambling Debate' when Moslems are forbidden to gamble by their religion? What does it have to do with him and what does he know about gambling anyway?

UKIPTwo-fingered salute for opportunistic Kilroy

Disgraced talk-show host Kilroy thought he was just the bloke to take over the leadership of the UK Independence Party. But the party demonstrated its independence by letting him know that it already has a leader, thank you very much. There have been at least 3 leadership challenges in UKIP's 11-year history. This one is reckoned to be the most easily seen off.
UpdateUKIP is now threatening to expel the attention-seeker Kilroy as he is making noises about starting his own party.
UpdateKilroy has quit the UKIP group in the European Parliament before they could chuck him out.

WAR NEWS

We're terribly sorry we won

Screw BlairWhat is the British government planning to do about this year's anniversary of our victory at the Battle of Cape Trafalgar? Vice-Prez Bliar will be offering a grovelling apology to the French and the Spanish for Admiral Lord Nelson's beating the pants off them.

h3Harlequin ladybirds from the Far East have begun to invade England. They are yellow or orange, rather than the traditional red, and they're bloody grumpy. They will bite humans if harassed and they plough through infestations of aphids like locusts, leaving none for native species; which the harlequins will devour, given half a chance.
   The harlequins arrived on plants imported from Holland, Belgium and/or France and the UK government has shopped these 3 aggressor nations to the United Nations for biological terrorism.

Skull n CrossbonesThe truth about the Iraq war is starting to leak out of the USA

Paul Bremer, the US governor of Iraq until the hand-over in June, has declared that his country went to war with insufficient troops. As a consequence, the United States failed to contain the looting and violence by a criminalized nation after the fall of Saddam Hussein's regime, and permitted an atmosphere of lawlessness.
   US defence secretary Rumsfeld is quite comfortable with the disorder. "Stuff happens" and "Freedom is untidy" were his views on the subject. He has now gone on to admit that there is no strong, hard evidence linking Saddam Hussein and Al Qaida. [The evidence was 'bulletproof' in 2002 but it has 'migrated' since then - Ed.]

Kaboom!The Iraq Survey Group has reported on the WoMD situation in Iraq prior to 2003

It's main conclusions are:
   • Iraq had no Weapons of Mass Destruction and no organization capable of producing them, so it had no weapons that 'posed an imminent threat' to the West before the 2003 war was launched.
   • Saddam Hussein had lost interest in biological weapons long before the 2003 war was launched.
   • Iraq had no missiles capable of hitting Cyprus as claimed in one of Vice-Prez Bliar's dodgy dossiers.
   • Saddam stonewalled about his WoMD because he was playing mind-games with Iran.
   • Iraq was using oil money to buy the votes of China, France and Russia in the UN Security Council as an exercise in mischief making.
   • Iraq had no links with Al Qaida or Jordanian terrorists and Osama bin Laden was Saddam Hussein's sworn enemy.
   Finding out the above cost more than $1billion. Prez Bush and Vice-Prez Bliar would like their customers to believe that the WoMD were trucked across the border to Syria with the loot from Iraq's main banks.

h5Ken Bigley, the British prisoner of a terrorist gang in Iraq, has been given an Irish passport in the hope that his becoming a citizen of the state which spawned the IRA will persuade the Iraqi abductors to let him go.

Trafalgar +200? Forget it in Devon

Totnes council won't be celebrating the 200th anniversary of the Battle of Cape Trafalgar next year. The place is twinned with a French town and they're worried about upsetting their twins. [Bet they haven't asked their French twins how they feel about it. Ed.] The organizers of Trafalgar +200 told the burgers of Totnes to grow up and pointed out that the D-Day +60 celebrations went ahead this year without upsetting the Germans.

#MI6 has formally binned the notion that Iraq had WoMD ready for use in 4-5 minutes – which was the foundation for Vice-Prez Bliar's 2002 dodgy dossier. As a result, the Ministry of Justice has ruled that:

  1. Alastair Campbell did sex up the dodgy dossier and he will be banned from all public sector employment for an indefinite period.
  2. Andrew Gilligan will get his job back as the BBC's defence correspondent.
  3. Vice-Prez Bliar will be sacked with loss of pension rights and all benefits for lying to the nation and starting an illegal war in cahoots with the fundamentalist regime in the United States of America.

Revised US FlagPrez Bush officially the world's least favourite person

In a global poll, George W. Bush has been voted the person the world would most like to pelt with stinking fish. 70% said they like or will tolerate Americans other than Dubya, but 85% of some age groups felt a strong, personal antipathy to Bush and at least 68% of all age groups felt that US culture is a threat to their own national culture.
   97.5% said the 2003 Iraq war did nothing to reduce global terrorism; 61% said US democracy is no longer a model for the rest of the world and 73% said democracy won't work in Iraq because the people neither want nor understand it.
meanwhilePrez Bush gave former US secretary of state James Baker the 'noble mission' of persuading other countries to write off Iraq's debts. But when he wasn't doing that, Baker was busy working on behalf of the Carlyle Group, which is trying to dig £27 billion out of Iraq as compensation for the August 1990 invasion of Kuwait.
   The story on offer is that Baker didn't tell Prez Bush that he was trying to make other debts go away to make it easier to extract compensation for Kuwait and hearty fees for his employer. But the racket blew up when the Grauniad exposed it.
   It looks like the dodgy crony situation in the Bush administration is pretty much the same as it is in the court of Vice-Prez Bliar.

h8EU Commissioner hopeful Peter Mandelson has been offering us the benefit of his hindsight on the Iraq war. He reckons it would have gone better had there been wider support for the war at the UN. One of his audience stopped him dead in his tracks by asking him if he might still be a minister in the British government if he had been less dishonest and arrogant.

#The Black Watch, soon to be disbanded by New Labour's military geniuses, is to be sent to the US zone of Iraq. Vice-Prez Bliar has confirmed via a heated denial that the deployment is intended to save Prez Bush's ass with the last lap of the US election for Mr. Prez looming.

Did Liverpool get hysterical with synthetic grief after the murder of Ken Bigley, who had left the city behind and wasn't planning to go back?Yes, it's the fashion
No
Who cares?
23%
9%
68%

Criminal News
CRIMINAL NEWS

Kilroy to be arrested for conspiracy to murder?

Desperate for personal publicity, MP turned TV presenter turned MEP Kilroy announced a desire to kill the Tory party to a public meeting of his current political party. The Attorney General's office is now debating whether there were enough people there to constitute a conspiracy.

Skull n CrossbonesOfgen, the energy regulation agency, has reported the companies supplying the nation's natural gas to the EU for price rigging. They stand accused of creating an artificial shortage in the UK last winter to keep prices artificially high. Instead of supplying the British market, they exported gas to the Continent, where their fellow conspirators put surplus gas into storage instead of filling the gap in the UK market.
   If convicted, the companies could be fined millions of pounds by the British government and more millions by the EU – none of which will go to the swindled customers.

Civil Service bribery & corruption?

The civil servants who worked on Vice-Prez Bliar's dodgy dossiers on Iraq's non-existent Weapons of Mass Destruction are to get gongs ranging from the MBE to a knighthood. The Vice-Prez feels that the bribes will encourage them to keep their traps shut and not rock the boat with the truth about what everyone really knew about the lack of weapons, and the bitty and unreliable nature of the 'intelligence'.

Nepotism at Scotland Yard?

The Deputy Commissioner, Ian Bliar, has awards for political correctness and they seem to be his main qualification for his coming appointment as Commissioner of the Metropolitan police. He would like to see the police service become more caring and gentle to its customers. His application was considered 'opportunistic', which is a key word in the current philosophy of Vice-Prez Blair, who is denying giving his namesake a helping hand to a job paying £221K per year.
UpdateFollowing his appointment, Commish B. Liar has promised a new era of political correctness and as close to 100% ethnic PCs as he can manage. His new philosophy for the 'police service' in London is "White Ain't Right On!"

Al Qaida declared a hoax

There is no worldwide organization of terrorists, a detailed investigation of atrocities committed in the last 3 years had shown. Isolated outrages perpetrated by independent gangs of terrorists have been lumped together to create a single massive scare story. Why? Mainly because it let certain governments lock up anyone they chose in the name of fighting a bogus war on terror, but also because taxpayers' money could be diverted from worthwhile projects to the pockets of the government's cronies, who set themselves up as counter-terrorism 'consultants'.
   "It's all about the money, really."

What the f**kSometime French prime minister Alain Juppé was barred from public office for 10 years and awarded an 18 month suspended gaol sentence for major league corruption. He has launched an appeal, hoping to fulfil his destiny as the chosen successor of Prez Jacques 'I'd be in gaol if I wasn't in office' Chirac. Juppé was up to his neck in a scam involving paying his political party staff out of the public purse – pretty much the same scam that New Labour has been working in the UK for the last 7 years.
   Juppé insists that while he has committed errors and been negligent, he never had any intention of breaking the law. The reports that Vice-Prez Bliar has lent his personal scriptwriter to Juppé seem to be accurate!

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS
Rose logo

Cool Britannia

start quote... an Opportunistic state ...end quote

the MuggerAttention all impoverished pensioners

If you want to know where your money went, this man has most of it. He has been stealing shamelessly from pensioners and savers for the last 7 years and helping his boss to squander the money.

world news
WORLD NEWS

Lies, damn lies & Israeli eyesight

The Israeli spin machine went into full accusation mode when it saw a chance to blast two of its enemies with a single press release. The spin doctors got their technical experts to downgrade the quality of video data from one of the Israeli army's drone spyplanes. The blurred images were then offered as 'proof' that Palestinians transport rockets in UN ambulances.
   But the UN quickly rained on the spin doctors' parade by pointing out that the stretcher party was having no trouble with the load, which was clearly too light to be a rocket. The head of the UN Palestinian refugee agency called the exercise, "false and malicious propaganda". Sounds like someone in Israel's propaganda ministry is getting a bit too desperate to be right; or a lot too guilty about what's going on in the occupied territories.
UpdateThe Israeli parliament has voted to unoccupy the Gaza Strip. The Palestinian residents are now hoping that they will be left with a few scraps of unscorched earth on which to enjoy their liberation from the yoke of oppression.

Backdoor genocide in Gaza?

The Israeli government has devised a secondary strategy for making the Gaza Strip safe to unoccupy. In addition to liquidating all male terrorist suspects, and anyone else who gets in the way, the Israelis have given their snipers a licence to shoot teenage Palestinian girls in their homes. Two 15-year-old girls fell victim to the policy in the first week of this month and more murders can be expected when the initial wave of revulsion flattens out. An expert in pacification tactics said of this one: "Killing the young females in a population as they approach marriageable age is an interesting exercise in genocide by the back door."
meanwhileThe Israeli army's Investigation Branch has been forced by troops on the ground to investigate the murder of a 13-year-old Palestinian girl. She was shot near her school then an officer emptied the magazine of an automatic weapon into her at close range. His own men shopped him to an Israeli newspaper when they saw army investigators dragging their feet as a prelude to a file-and-forget operation.
   Despite the above, the Israelis army is no longer content with shooting kids near the UN school in Gaza. Its snipers are now shooting pupils at their desks.
UpdateA perfunctory investigation by a Major-general Dan Harel has concluded that the officer involved in the murder of the 13-year-old Palestinian girl did nothing unethical. Which says quite a lot about the values of the Israeli state.

Hurricane FrancesCyberspace swept by hurricanes

Of the 35 billion e-mails sent every day, 85% are spam. But that proportion dropped to 75% last month. Why? Because most of the world's 200 criminal spammers live in Florida and the power cuts caused by the 4 hurricanes, which attacked the state over a period of a few weeks, shut down their computers. But business is back to normal already, as anyone with an overloaded e-mailbox will testify.

#Having made a bog of Iraq, Vice-Prez Bliar is now sending the army in to sort out Africa.

$Before anyone starts throwing any more money at Africa, the inhabitants of the Dark Continent should be told they have to lose their guns before they get a red cent. Any nation which can afford to have endless civil wars isn't hard up.

Zimbabwe Opposition leader to be tried in World Court

A spokesperson for the World Court of Justice at The Hague said, "Morgan Tsvangirai has handed us victory on a plate. Not plotting to kill Leader Mugabe is a serious crime against humanity and he has admitted his own guilt by getting himself acquitted of conspiracy to assassinate charges in Zimbabwe."

Old Red Eyes 

start quoteIt has to be Kerry because 4 more years of Dubya Bush is more than flesh and blood could
bear.
end quote

h0FACT: If the Washington Redskins lose their last home match before the election, the incumbent Prez also loses.
   So all we can say to that is: "Go, Packers!

en gulyemoshGermany would like the Queen to apologize for World War Two during her upcoming state visit. We would suggest something very simple along the lines of: "I am extremely sorry that you Germans started the war."

Who says the Japs have no sense of humour? Everyone!

Some genius at the Japanese firm Fuji Shoji came up with the idea of naming a new range of pinball machines after historical figures. The chosen names included Moses, Abraham Lincoln, some of Japan's most famous samurai and Adolf Hitler. The Japanese patent office rejected the entire list of names saying 'the trademarks could disrupt public order and violate the spirit of the pacifist constitution'. A spokesman for the firm said they were trying for parody, which the patent office was too thick to appreciate.

h8Karl-Friedrich Lentze of Berlin, who tried to have Father Christmas banned earlier this year, has come up with another scheme to get himself noticed. He's threatening to patent a machine for straightening bananas. What it does is hack chunks off a curly banana until the bit left is straight. He reckons that when his straight bananas catch on, they'll drive curved ones off the market because they're easier to eat and store.

This sorry bunch

It says quite a lot about the quality of the present crop of Members of the European Parliament if they won't accept a fiscally dodgy but fairly respectable, Catholic mate of the Pope's as a Euro Commissioner but they welcomed Peter Mandelson with open arms after he gave them a severely edited CV.

travel
TRAVEL NEWS

Sod off, you tourists!

The French Department of Tourism sent out teams of undercover inspectors to build an accurate picture of the reception that foreign tourists get in their country. In a fit of honesty, the ex-minister who compiled the final report concluded that his fellow countrymen (and women) really are as uniformly 'surly and hostile' as foreigners claim.
   His recommendations to the French government included forgetting about spending any more public money on trying to boost tourism until the French nation has graduated from Charm School.

No Wales!"€50 for a Eurobook with Wales left out? Sounds like a great deal!"

The EU has decided to get tough with satellite nations which fail to live up to expectations. In future, they will be reduced in status to 'unrecognized adjacent territory' and excluded from all hand-outs until they shape up.
   Wales is the first small country to get an EU red card, as illustrated by the revised map (left) included in the yearbook for 2004/5 issued by Euromon – the European Monitoring Agency.
   A spokesman for the Wales in Europe Tourist Board called the ruling, "An unmitigated disaster for my country."

trainCutting costs at the expense of passenger safety

The railway franchise First North Western has decided to save money by leaving the lights switched off at its unmanned stations when night falls. Which leaves their customers stumbling about in the dark and at risk of falling off the platform onto the lines. Anyone looking for a good place to stage an accident and lodge a claim for a vast amount of compensation is advised to try out New Mills Central station.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
No London Olympics

A London Olympics?
No, thanks!

MARKETING NEWS

Canadians get stiffed good and proper

The Canadian government was mug enough to buy 4 second-hand submarines from the Ministry of Defence in 1998. The subs cost the British taxpayer a bomb but New Labour flogged them off for a song. The reason why has now come to light – the subs had been allowed to lapse into a seriously dangerous condition.
   The 3 in the hands of the Canadian Navy don't work and the fourth, HMCS Chicoutimi, needed a rescue operation by the Royal Navy a couple of days after being handed over when it caught fire at sea en route to Canada.
   The Canadians are now demanding their money back and Vice-Prez Bliar isn't taking their phone calls. Worse, the Canadian Opposition party is out for the blood of whoever it was who agreed to buy defective submarines from a bloke called Tony the Sub down the pub.
UpdateThis story stopped being a joke when one of the Canadian officers died of injuries received during the fire.

Loose battery packPrez Bush robot fails to get the job done.

The reason why Prez Bush is doing so badly in his televised debates with Mr.-Prez hopeful John Kerry became clear during their second alleged head-to-head. The viewers had been wondering why Bush kept accusing someone of interrupting him when no one else was talking. Then a sharp-eyed technician spotted a bulge on his back (see contents of green circles).
   It would appear that Mr. Prez is so scared of Islamic tourists that he has stopped venturing out of the White House in person. For the last year or so, he has been sending a Bush robot to public meetings and the robot has been suffering problems with a loose battery pack during the debates with Senator Kerry.
   "The sucker just keeps popping out of the casing," a service technician was overheard to say as the robot was being returned to its crate after the debate.
   The US Department of Defense is believed to have spent some $67 million on building the robot, which is best suited to grinning and shaking hands. Speech is handled via an encoded radio system, which has suffered from interference in the past. The battery pack problem is believed to be something new.

SPORTY NEWS

Attention the organizers of the Snooker Grand Prix

snookerSome marketing genius has told you that painting the legs of your snooker tables silver will give you a thrusting, 21st Century image.
   Don't believe the lying bastard! Snooker fans worldwide are laughing at you.
UpdateCongratulations to Ronnie O'Sullivan for winning despite missing a lot of easy chances in the final session. No doubt the £30K second prize sent Ian McCulloch home with a bit of a smile on his face.

Chinese Govt. 'hopeful' on Olympic fresh-air question

Beijing, venue for the next Olympics, is in the top 5 most polluted cities on the planet. The residents are currently being advised not to go out at weekends, the air is foul-tasting and sulphurous, and yellowish-white clouds block out the sun most of the time. The use of low-grade coal in factories and homes and sulphur-rich petrol in the mushrooming numbers of cars is blamed for making everything 'feel and taste dirty'.
   The Chinese government is proud of the fact that the capital's residents are able to breathe fresh air on almost two out of three days now that the worst-polluting factories have been relocated a long distance from Beijing. All factories in the area will be closed and cars banned ahead of the 2008 Olympics in an attempt to create some bits of blue sky. Even so, visitors to the Games are advised to bring a plentiful supply of filter masks and oxygen.

!The Boy Beckham is claiming that he deliberately fouled an opponent in the England v. Wales match to be yellow-carded. His plan was to get himself suspended from international football while he couldn't play anyway because of injury – something which is routine practice in Spanish footballing circles.
   If he really is that cunning, he could face missing at least 2 international matches when he is not injured for bringing the game into disrepute.
UpdateThe FA has decided to do nothing about the Boy Beckham's self-confessed crime – and boy, are the hacks who write about footy furious!

red soxCONGRATS to the Boston Red Sox for winning the baseball "world series" for the first time in 89 years and sweeping the St. Louis Cardinals. They have now overcome the curse of selling Babe Ruth and they have no excuse for another 89 winless years.

space news
SPACE NEWS

SpaceShip One claims $10million X-Prize

Pilot Brian BinnieWith former test pilot Brian Binnie at the controls this time, SpaceShip One completed its 2nd laden flight to higher than 100 km on the 47th anniversary of the launch of Sputnik One. There was none of the alarming corkscrewing experienced by pilot Mike Melvill in the final stages of the last laden flight as the spacecraft soared to an altitude of 112 km after being released from its White Knight carrier aircraft.
SpaceShip One in flight   The Ansari X-Prize has been on offer since 1998 to any non-governmental team able to fly 3 people (or an equivalent weight) to a height of at least 100 km twice within 3 weeks. SpaceShip One made its historic flights on 29th September and 04th October, 2004.
   The SpaceShip One project has cost its creators 2-3 times the value of the X-Prize but if it can be developed into a commercial near-space tourism project, they may get some of their money back.

Genesis crashedAnother Lockheed Martin screw-up

The Genesis probe slammed into the Nevada desert last month because of yet another blunder by its constructors. A 'gravity switch', which was supposed to detect the capsule's deceleration as it hit the atmosphere and release the parachutes, was installed backwards. As a result, the probe hit the ground at 200 mph instead of being plucked out of the air by a stunt man in a helicopter.
   Lockheed Martin's other greatest hits include helping to destroy the Mars Climate Orbiter by supplying information to NASA in Imperial instead of metric units, and the Mars Polar Lander biting the dust of the Red Planet to destruction when its descent motor failed.

DEPARTURES

Professor Maurice Wilkins

A 'co-inventor' of DNA, and the man who shared the 1962 Nobel Prize for Medicine with Francis Crick and James Watson, has died 2 months short of his 88th birthday. Prof. Wilkins and Rosalind Franklin applied X-ray diffraction imaging techniques to crystallized purified DNA and produced the data which Crick and Watson used to deduce the double-helix structure of the molecule.

DEPARTURES

Kenneth Bigley

The 62-year-old ex-pat Briton has been murdered by terrorists in Iraq. Mr. Bigley was working on a reconstruction project when he was abducted along with 2 American colleagues, Eugene Armstrong and Jack Hensley. The Americans were murdered within a week but the terrorists chose to prolong the agony of Mr. Bigley and his relatives for 3 weeks. Mr. Bigley was hoping to make enough out of his contract to retire Bangkok with his Thai wife; but he became yet another victim of the illegal war in Iraq.

DEPARTURES

Max Geldray

The Goon Show's harmonica player has died at 88. Max Geldray began playing jazz in the 1930s. His talent for comedy made him an indispensable 'useful idiot' on the Goon Show after World War 2. After the show reached the end of the line, he headed for the USA, where he continued his musical career until a couple of years ago.

DEPARTURES

Christopher Reeve

A classically trained actor who made his name by playing Superman on the big screen has died at 52. His successful career came to a full stop in 1995 when a fall from a horse broke his neck. Anyone less fit would have died there and then, but Christopher Reeve survived and dedicated the rest of his days to the twin goals of walking again and helping others who shared his predicament of being trapped in an immobile body. He was a champion of stem-cell research, which offered him the hope of walking again but which is banned by the current fundamentalist regime in the United States.

DEPARTURES

John Peel

This broadcaster extraordinary has died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 65. John Peel began his career as a DJ in Dallas, blagging a job at the start of the Beatles era by playing the Liverpool card. He worked for the pirate radio station Radio London before joining the BBC for the launch of Radio 1 in 1967. He was the last survivor of the 22 original DJs and he soon became notorious for his weird taste in music. He played music that he wanted to hear rather than an official play-list and his appetite for new music and a willingness to promote bands contributed to turning dozens of unknowns into household names. In the 1990s, John Peel began a parallel career as a presenter of Radio 4's Home Truths, achieving success with his very personal interview style.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Phishers In Action

"Phishing" is the repellent practice of stealing information from other people with the intention of emptying their bank accounts and sticking bogus charges on their credit cards. One way of doing this is to send potential victims an email got up to look like a communication from their bank in an attempt to obtain account, pin number and password information.

As a public service, Jenson Farrago is offering access to examples of phishing emails. CLICK HERE to find out what they look like.

customs
CUSTOMS NEWS

European Commission gets tough
with Customs pirates

The European Commission is taking Britain to court over the attitude of Customs officers to booze-cruisers. Customs officers routinely confiscate goods if they believe they have not been bought for personal consumption. They are not following legally defined rules – they are merely applying arbitary rules with no legal status on the basis of personal prejudice. Even worse, Customs officers have a history of confiscating vehicles from their victims.
   UK Economic Secretary John Healey is trying to pretend that the EC is being unreasonable because it is a "very small problem". His tactic is to talk about major league smugglers and try to dismiss the booze-cruisers as unworthy of justice. Mr. Healey clearly believes that it is okay for the British government to swindle its customers as long as only a small number is involved.
   The EU commissioner for taxation and customs, Frits Bolkestein, understands a member state's need to fight fraud but he feels that the British Customs "jeopardise the right of all EU consumers to buy goods in other member states, excise duty paid, and bring these products home for their 'own use' without any formalities and without having to pay taxes a second time".
   He added: "In particular, the commission considers the UK's policy of seizing goods and sometimes cars even for minor offences is disproportionate."
meanwhileThe director general of law enforcement at Customs and Excise, Terry Byrne, was suspended last month while the police investigate a series of excise frauds committed in the mid-1990s. 20 serving or former Customs officials are also under investigation.
   The police investigation involves the methods used by Customs & Excise to tackle alleged smuggling of duty-free alcohol from a bonded warehouse in east London and alleged evasion of more than £600 million in duty. The smuggling case fell apart in court when the Customs officers were found to have used entrapment.
   Customs officers have also been busted for flogging off goods confiscated from booze cruisers; instead of destroying these goods; which suggests that they are in need of much closer supervision that they're getting at present.

This Month's Garbage

The Garbage Ethnic minority is now officially an offensive phrase, says the Law Society. The approved politically correct term is minority ethnic. If a woman can be a dickhead, the one who came up with this nonsense certainly is one!

 Trade Sec. Pratty Hewitt's bogus, spin-doctored 'apology' on behalf of the government for Vice-Prez Bliar's illegal war in Iraq.

 Deputy PM Johnny 'Two Jags' Prescott's plan to licence the construction of 500,000 houses in places where they will cause water shortages, flooding and major damage to the environment as payback for those areas for voting Tory.

 'Buff' Hoon's lies about sending the Black Watch to a hot-spot in Iraq to save Prez Bush's ass at election time.

 Junior Minister for Gambling Tessa "I've got a fattist name" Jowell's assertion that everyone who won't go along with her plan for universal casinos and free broadband Internet for compulsive gamblers is a snob.

 Vice-Prez Bliar's assurances that giving up the UK veto on asylum and immigration gives us 'the best of both worlds' in the European Union; or, indeed, anything worth having. In areas where we participate, and have no veto, the EU will ignore our contribution, as usual.

 Vice-Prez Bliar's pretence that his Gambling Bill will clean up gambling and make it oh, so very respectable and nice.

 Prez Bush killing thousands of people to impose on foreign countries, the sort of democracy through honest elections which he denies his own country.

 Neil Kinnock becoming 'unelected and illegitimate' (his words) by accepting a peerage. Might we suggest Lord Windbag of WasteOfSpace as a suitable title?

 Vice-Prez Bliar's decision to postpone a referendum on the Constitutional Treaty of Rome until well after the next UK general election in the hope that another nation will say NO! in the meantime so that he doesn't get the blame for sinking it.

 
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