A Merry Xmas to those who observe the holiday and a miserable one to the usual suspects and their allies.
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Serial abusers of the legal system expect to make another fortune out of the latest piece of Euro-harmonization legislation. Homosexualists will be allowed to sue employers, actual and putative, if they think they've been discriminated against, or if they think they've been discriminated against.
Customers are asked not to moan about the rain. Just think about all the reservoirs which need filling.
Who won the world cup, Jimmy? Me.
He tried to hijack the Queen Mother's funeral as a personal promotion for himself. He tried to do the same with the Downing Street reception for the world cup-winning England rugby union team. The Scottish Vice-Prez wanted a 100% New Labour junket, and when the Rugby Football Union tried to object, it was told to take a hike.
To the bloke who sent an email to Radio 4's Today saying the death of David Hemmings wasn't news because he (the bloke) had never heard of Mr. Hemmings just one word: TWAT!
Firms which are moving jobs from the UK to India, and which concerned citizens might wish to boycott:
750,000 people were on the streets of London to watch the England rugby union team take a triumphal crawl through part of the city? So how did the security forces propose to protect them from Alky Ida, the Taliban, Saddam Hussein's Irregulars and other tourist organizations? Or did they just say, "Sod it, there's nothing we can do about it," and have a day off?
Bloke in naff frock wins Turner Prize.
No Ho, Ho!
There are no Xmas trees in Job Centres because the management fears that irate customers might use them to belabour stroppy members of staff. There is also a possibility that the sight of a nicely trimmed Xmas tree might drive Moslem and other non-Christian customers berserk; but they're keeping quiet about that.
Not content with sexing up dodgy dossiers on Iraq's planet-busting potential, Vice-Prez Bliar has been doing it with the honours list. He stands accused of bunging in the odd tennis player to make the list 'more interesting'.
Whatever happened to V-P Bliar's promise to reform the honours system? Or did he just mean he was going to change it in the direction of more sleaze?
Honours system to be revamped
Too many of the recipients of official honours are white, male and elderly. In future, there will be quotas for female, non-white and younger contestants. This change will ensure that at least 50% of the honoured fall into each of the above categories.
Shock of the Month : deceased libel lawyer Peter *arter-*uck wasn't a saint; he was just another money-grubbing scumbag lawyer.
Bliar sinks UK's 2012 Olympic bid
The International Olympic Committee has taken the hump after the Vice-Prez breached their rules on lobbying (which is the IOC's polite term for bribery and corruption). The IOC's hump is likely to grow in the wake of wriggling by Downing Street spin doctors over what Mr. Bliar was trying to say.
Boxing Day shopping in Romiley cancelled
Everywhere was locked up tight, including the supermarket, on what has been a traditional replenishing day in years past everywhere except Jackson's the newsagent and, at about mid-morning, the BP petrol station.
With a Downing Street guiding hand thrust up the back of his shirt, he is now playing the 'everything's okay' Foreign Sec. after doing his 'we'll veto the lot' act. The same guy is playing both the good cop and the bad cop. How's that for economy in government?
New Labour = Closed Government. It's official.
Vice-Prez Bliar's regime has more to hide than the last Tory administration had. In its first 5 years, his ministers have imposed 50% more official gagging orders on embarrassing matters despite promises of more-open government. But given the general dodginess of the Bliar regime, few people have expressed any surprise at the amount of dodgy dealing which had to be concealed.
Council Tax up? Blame Two Jags Official!
The Audit Commission has dumped the blame for last year's massive Council Tax rises squarely on 'Two Jags' Prescott's well-fed carcase. It was all down to the way his department distributed government grants to local councils. The government's auditors described the system as 'fundamentally flawed' and 'lacking transparency'. But they were able to penetrate the murk sufficiently to see that old Two Jags had handed out to Labour areas, cash which he had plundered from Tory-controlled councils. Let's see what the spin-doctors make of that!
Is he mad, bad or just sad?
"Vice-Prez Bliar is insincere but charming, and he has a flair for the dramatic and a shaky grasp on reality; all of which proves that he's a psychopath." 'expert' opinion
Lie, cheat and don't worry about being caught
Education Sec. Charles Clarke says the government's statistics prove that pupils do better at comprehensives, which is why he wants to abolish grammar schools. But the Statistics Commission has found that his argument is based on fiddled figures like compared with unlike. A politician deliberately telling a porkie? Surely not!
The Mugger bogs it up again
70% of Chancellor Gordy Broon's customers think they're overtaxed, according to this month's poll on such things. And 80% think that he wastes 64% of the money that he claws from the taxpayer.
The Mugger bogs it up even more : Tax revenue is down but everything in the garden is rosy. So the Mugger is sticking another £10billion on the national credit card. Why? Because he made a bog of guessing how much the government needs to borrow; probably because he still doesn't understand endogenous growth theory.
Blunk's Britishness tests binned
Foreign customers will still swear a patriotic oath (of sorts) to become honorary Brits, but they won't have to be able to speak English or know anything about Britain's heritage. Apparently, the Home Secretary's cabinet colleagues felt that obliging potential customers to study these subjects might upset them.
No Hiding Place
The government tried to hide a d(r)aft bill on abandoning the pound and 'adopting' the euro (Like an orphaned child? Ed.) behind the Mugger's pre-Budget harangue. A plan to hide the referendum by holding it on the same day as the next general election has also been hauled into the light of day. Which leaves us wondering why the government persists with its dodgy tricks when everyone knows them. Unless Vice-Prez Bliar's regime is so fundamentally dodgy that it knows nothing other than underhand methods of doing its business.
The Mugger cooks the books again. He's claiming to have done something positive on the Child Tax Credit front but his 'rise' is internally self-financing and requires no contribution from government funds. How did he work that? He froze one part of the 2-component credit, reducing its value by the rate of inflation. The nett result is that enough people will get less to fund a small increase to the very poor. It's redistribution of cash from the not very well off to the even worse off. How very Old Labour.
Vice-Prez Bliar's regime blows £12billion per annum of taxpayers' money on 'regulators' for public and private contracts. This vast sum of money is being wasted according to the Cabinet Secretary (one of the country's top civil servants), who can see no real benefits from spending it.
Having predicted that Ken Livingstone would be a disaster as mayor of London and having been proved right V-P Bliar has welcomed him back onto the gang so that Red Ken can be a New Labour disaster if he wins the next election.
The Mugger is using fiscal drag to help fill his black hole in the nation's finances. He has opted not to adjust tax rates in line with inflation to increase the number of customers paying the top rate of income tax. This stealthy wheeze is expected to take in £10billion, which still leaves him way short of his £37billion deficit. So customers are advised to brace themselves for further assaults on their wallets.
Stealth Tax No. 64 (or is it 65?) was sneaked in while the Westminster Wonders were breaking up for their hols a whole week before Xmas. What is it? 40% extra Council Tax on second homes.
Not so much a bog as a vast swamp
The Inland Revenue, charged by the Mugger with administering his child tax credit scheme, has gone from chaos to tragedy. The Revenue still hasn't got round to making payments to some of the claimants but it has bogged up many of the processed claims by paying out too much. So cash is now being grabbed back in big chunks without explanation, leaving customers destitute at Xmas time as a bonus.
The government's Fitness Police will be given broader powers in the new year, says Lady Antonia Bliar, the UK's official First Person. From January 3rd, the Fitness Police will be able to order New Labour's customers to use stairs instead of lifts and escalators to force them to take some exercise.
Eating salmon banishes wrinkles
Apparently, salmon is rich in dimethynylaminoethyl (DMAE), an antioxidant which reduces skin dryness while banishing lines and redness. The Scots salmon industry has welcomed these recent findings from the USA and it is smiling benignly on a campaign to launch a 3-day salmon diet, which is being pushed as an alternative to a minor facelift.
Worried about superbugs, the government has appointed 'infection tsars' for the NHS. "Just what we need," commented an insider, "more managers instead of more cleaners." And then someone realized this isn't news and there's no new money on offer. It's just the government recycling an earlier scheme in its usual dishonest fashion, and trying to count it twice on the list of New Labour's greatest achievements.
When standards fall, cook the books
Vice-Prez Bliar's local hospital up North dropped from 3 stars to 2 when re-rated. So what happened? Did they improve the hospital to recapture the dropped star? No, a dogsbody in Health Sec. Alan Milburn's outfit wrote a memo of complaint and lo! The star was restored. And lo! The hospital became eligible for an extra million quid of taxpayers' cash.
WHO is looking after YOUR website right now?
Don't trust a vital asset like your website to any old Joe. Guys with beards ALWAYS know what they're doing! Trust no one else.
Driving onto the pavement is to be made an endorseable offence in the new year. This Highways Commission recommendation will be included in the next Road Traffic Bill, which will impose stiffer fines on people who park on the pavement plus 2 penalty points on the criminal's driving licence (if he/she possesses one).
Trains need a holiday too
The Railways Authority has announced that no trains will run between 9 p.m. on Christmas Eve and 6 a.m. on New Year's Day 2004 +1. The entire system will be shut down for essential track maintenance.
Ignorance could be an excuse
Motorists are an ignorant lot, a recent survey says. 94% of those questioned did not know that the £30 fine for using a mobile phone while driving was introduced on the 1st of this month. And most respondents were also ignorant of the detail of this new law, e.g. they did not know that they can't use a mobile when their vehicle is stationary in traffic.
Chief police officers want all cars to be fitted with an electronic immobilizer, which can be operated by remote control. The idea is that fleeing criminals can be halted at the press of a button. Unless the crooks have used counter-technology to deactivate the immobilizer. And unless they're using an old vehicle which doesn't have an immobilizer.
Anyone who receives a phone call telling them the above should watch out. Why? Because there is no Canadian national lottery, just a bunch of Canadian crooks taking cash from gullible people. They have gathered an estimated $5billion from mainly elderly mugs in the United States but the true amount can never be known as many people are too embarrassed to admit that they have been done.
Rotenburg resident Armin Meiwes, 41, was arrested for a murder with a twist in December of last year he ate his alleged victim. Mr Meiwes used the Internet to seek a 'well-built male prepared to be slaughtered and then consumed'. Bernd-Jurgen Brandes, 43, who was in a severly depressed state, offered his services. On 2001/03/08, Mr. Brandes met his end and quite a lot of him ended up in the cannibal's freezer next to the pizzas. Mr. Meiwes is said to have fried around 20 kg of human body parts (over a period of time) in olive oil with garlic and consumed his treats with sprouts, potato balls and a South African red wine, and using his best cutlery.
As citizens of the European Union, you are entitled to use a Citizen of Europe official passport in any part of the world, to receive a Citizen of Europe official driving license after passing an appropriate test, and to obtain a Citizen of Europe identity card, which can be used to claim employment and social security benefits, etc., in any member country of the European Union.
THESE DOCUMENTS MUST BE ISSUED IN ALL MEMBER STATES. Your own government will soon be forced to offer EU alternatives to UK passports, driving licences and the UK ID card (when introduced) BUT IT WILL CHARGE THE SAME PRICE AS THE CORRESPONDING UK DOCUMENT!
IDENTITÉ de FRANCE has established a documentation center in Calais which can offer these documents AT 33% LESS THAN THE BRITISH PRICE! So come on, you Britishers. Don't be ripped off by your greedy government. Come to IDENTITÉ de FRANCE for the EU equivalents AND SAVE SOME MONEY!
His British lawyer is calling the whole business 'absurd', but he would, wouldn't he?
Business as usual again (almost) in Iraq
Taking a break from attacking the US military, Saddam Hussein's personal army tried to go back into the bank-robbing business this month. The target for their heist was an American convoy carrying new banknotes. Which turned out to be rather better defended than the bandits expected and "They got their asses well and truly kicked," to quote the commander of the convoy.
Spot the turkey
Prez Bush delivered a fake turkey to selected troops in Iraq on Thanksgiving Day. The photo opportunity's inside story was been blown after just a week. The tray of turkey, veg and fruit was just a plastic stage prop and the troops tucked in to military rations, rather than freshly-carved meat, when the cameras stopped rolling. Apparently, the bogus goodies were used to allow a quick recovery from a disaster, such as the Prez dropping the tray.
Beware of ethnic agents provocateur
Jobsworth senior police officers are at war with one another in their efforts to recruit black and Asian actors for 'integrity checks'. The actors are required to be stroppy and abusive to police officers at the sharp end, and provoke them into behaviour which allows them to be sacked as racialist. The more heads they can cause to roll, the better job the jobsworths think they're doing.
Prez Bush has decided that American tax-dollars for rebuilding Iraq should go only to firms from the countries which saw off the Saddam Hussein regime. And that France, Germany and all the other vultures can go to hell. What's up with that?
Useless or just plain cynical?
British troops were sent to Iraq with CBW suits which didn't fit, and respirators and detectors which didn't work, and tanks and armoured vehicles which weren't fitted with filters for chemical and biological warfare agents. Which shows that either:
Minister of Defence Buff Hoon has announced cuts in the armed services which mean that we will never have to fight another war mainly because we won't have the troops or the equipment to do it.
The WoMD issue is dead Official
V-P Bliar will change the subject from now on when anyone mentions Weapons of Mass Deception. This is his way of saying that there were none in Iraq when he rushed the nation into a war, he knew there were no WoMD, he regrets lying to the nation about them and he wishes everyone would stop reminding him of his dishonesty.
Bearded bloke grabbed in Tikrit, Iraq
Is the guy pulled out of a hole in the ground in downtown Tikrit really Saddam Hussein? Or is he just a look-alike who was deployed to wind the Yanks up? Or is he some homeless bloke the Yanks grabbed off a back street in the most run-down part of New York and press-ganged into the job of scapegoat?
Iraq's WoMD were just an illusion official!
The latest theory from Whitehall is that Saddam Hussein didn't have any Weapons of Mass Destruction, he only thought he had them! Campbell McAllister, Vice-Prez Bliar's official spokesman (left), has blown the lid off an Iraqi conspiracy of staggering proportions in a pre-Xmas statement.
What the European Commission should do now is impose its own illegal tariff on goods electorally embarrassing to Prez Bush for as long as his illegal tariff was in place. But all the chicken-hearted jobsworths on the EC will do now is sit around, looking pleased with themselves.
The All-Ireland Garlic Football elimination final has been postponed until next month 'to allow the players to enjoy a decent Xmas for once'.
In 1939, it was Germany 1, Poland 0. In 2003, the scoreline was Germany 0, Poland 1. It seems incredible to be able to report that countries other than the UK have deadlocked an EU summit but the French, Germans, Poles and Spanish managed it by going home early for their various reasons. Perhaps they didn't want to be there when the Brits unveiled a plan to make a country's voting strength proportional to its nett contribution to the EU's budget. Followed by a proposal that the Single Market and the Single Currency should be followed by a Single Language English.
Xmas Day death toll: Israeli Army 5, Suicide Bomber 4. The Israeli Army goes on to meet Al Qaida in the next round.
Odd that Iran can't fund a rapid response rescue service for parts of the country which are known to be highly active earthquake zones. Especially when Iran's government can find the cash for an 8-year war with a neighbour, trying to build nuclear weapons and participating in international terrorism.
BSE in USA
The secret of how the United States has evaded Mad Cow Disease is finally out they don't test for it. Just 0.01% of the cattle sent to slaughter during the last 9 years were tested for BSE. Instead of being isolated and examined, cattle with the 'Staggers' were rushed to the nearest processing plant, where every scrap of flesh and sinew was mechanically recovered from the bones for inclusion in burgers, hot dogs and pies. At the last count, 12 countries were refusing to take meat from the USA.
We're supposed to be experiencing Global Warming because more solar energy is being trapped by 'greenhouse gases' in the atmosphere. And sneaky politicians are using the dire warnings of their tame scientists as an excuse for slapping taxes on everything they can think of while pretending that they can do something to reverse climate change.
Mars Ghoul 1, UK nil
Mission Control is contemplating holding a seance to contact Beagle 2 on Mars. Barbara Woodhouse is being considered as a suitable spirit guide.
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