Romiley has been under assault by bogus telephone callers. Residents have been rushing to answer their telephones, only to find that the line disconnects when they lift their receiver. Most times, dialling 1471 results in an announcement that the number was withheld. Sometimes, however, the calling number is given as 01525 631 630.
The Highways Agency and the government shocked the nation by admitting that their maladministration was responsible for the chaos in the South-East caused by two lousy inches of snow at the end of January. New Labour's Customer Relations Department has put a new strategy in place, explained Mr. Albert Hussein, the principal spokesman for Downing Street's Public Enlightenment Executive.
Students were discouraged even more from going to university when New Labour pulled up the ladder even more by introducing top-up fees, which could leave graduates facing a debt of £20,000 for an 'ordinary' course or £50,000 for a medical degree. But a recent revision to the laws of the land has provided a loophole.
Government Cracks Asylum-Seeker Problem
"I have given this problem my best shot," Vice-Prez Blair said, "and I expect to hear no more about it. The problem is solved, so let's move on."
Government plan for building 200,000 new homes sunk
Minister for Certain Things Mr. T.W.O. Jags recently announced that he had solved the nation's housing problems. He was going to demolish unwanted properties in the North and build lots of new houses in the South. But now, it seems, his scheme has hit the buffers. Mr. Jags planned to site the developments on flood plains in the South-East but the potential developers have refused point-blank to stump up hundreds of billions of pounds to beef up flood defences. They reckon 'infrastructure' is the government's problem. In addition, there's not enough water available to meet the likely domestic and sewerage needs. Oh, dear!
Vice-Prez Puts Tanks on Heathrow's Lawn
Several hundred troops were diverted from training to fight Gulf War II, or fires, to guard Heathrow airport. The 'precautionary' deployment was intended to counter a perceived threat of an attack on an airliner with a hand-launched missile. It also served the secondary purpose of reminding terrorists that the Vice-Prez can get tough when he has to, so it's safer not to mess with him. Although, the conflicting statements coming from government ministers diluted the message to homeopathic levels and left the general public wondering, "What the hell are this bunch of clowns up to now?"
No More Tobacco Advertising
All tobacco advertising became illegal in the UK at midnight on 2003/02/13. Except for Formula One racing, which gave the Vice-Prez a bung and won an exemption for a further 3 years. The Treasury was somewhat reluctant to see any laws which damage the tobacco trade enforced as the effects of smoking require Health Service expenditure of £1.5billion per year while tobacco taxes and VAT bring in £9.5billion., which leaves the government with £8billion per year to waste on Millennium Domes and other blunders.
The Home office can't get rid of bogus asylum seekers so it's going for softer targets -- like a 55-year-old grandmother, who was born in the USA of a British mother and came to England at the age of 2 with her GI bride mother when the marriage broke up. It was not until her mother died in 2001 that she found that she had never been registered as a British citizen. And when she tried to correct this oversight, the jobsworths at the Home Office gave her a week to get out of the country! Destination? Who knows where!
Reasons For Keeping Vice-Prez Blair In His Job
The Mugger is seen as the Vice-Prez's heir. His financial tinkering has already caused serious damage to the UK's economy and if he got the top job, he would be encouraged to blunder around even more and screw things up royally.
CO-PAYMENT : you've already paid for this through direct taxation and stealth taxation but now we're asking you to pay again.
Belgium's supreme court has ruled that Israeli prime minister Ariel Sharon can be prosecuted for his part in war crimes. Hundreds of Palestinians died in 1982 when the then Israeli War Minister Sharon let Lebanese militia conduct a massacre in the Sabra and Shatila refugee camps in southern Lebanon. Sharon was booted out of the Israeli cabinet one day -- and reinstated the next day with another job.
Durban One Freed
Derek Bond, 72, of Bristol has survived being locked up for 3 weeks through collusion between the South African regime and the bunglers of the FBI. The FBI had another Derek Bond on their Most Wanted list and they took their time about confirming that the South Africans had the wrong one. And what did the jobsworths of the British Foreign Office do while Mr. Bone was rotting in his cell? Well, not a whole hell of a lot, actually -- apart from advising his family to keep quiet and especially not to complain to the Press. What's our advice to Mr. Bond? Sue the bastards for $100 million for false imprisonment, stress and trauma -- and make sure you include those craven sods at the Foreign Office in the package. Oh, yes -- and try to avoid being killed by the rush of ambulance-chasing lawyers offering their services for 30% of the pot!
Alien abduction stories are a product of a sleep disorder called 'sleep paralysis' -- it's official. This common condition, which is unrelated to mental illness, results in the subject emerging from a deep sleep to become partially conscious of his/her surroundings but unable to move. Dreams may be blended with the subject's state of partial awareness to create what appears to be genuine paranormal experiences.
Government Is Internet Cheat -- Official
Vice-Prez Blair's minions assembled their dossier of condemnation against Iraq by trawling the World Wide Web, Downing Street has been forced to admit. And then they fleshed out their homework by plagiarizing material from reference books on Iraq.
Stealth Tax Warning
The Mugger has only £1.75billion in his 'war chest' for assaulting Iraq. As the coming war in the Persian Gulf is likely to cost the nation at least £5billion, New Labour's customers can expect to be assaulted with further Stealth Taxes to the tune of £3.25billion (and probably much more).
The Wrong Sort of Paint
The MoD has painted tanks in Germany destined for the desert war with a water-based sand camouflage paint -- which washes off when it rains! An MoD spokesman said that any 'flaws' in the camouflage will be put right when the tanks reach the Gulf. "After all," she added, "if the British taxpayer is paying, we can afford to paint and repaint our tanks until we find a paint system that sticks."
War Communique No. 42
Mr. Albert Hussein, Vice-Prez Blair's Public Enlightenment Executive spokesman, announced that 'business as usual' has been restored to inner London after 'a relatively small demonstration in the city centre'.
'Peace In Our Time' for 'at least a year'
The war over the euro referendum is off for the moment. Vice-Prez Blair's popularity is now so low -- down 65 points to minus 23% -- that he has abandoned hope of swindling a 'yes' vote past a violently sceptical electorate. Officially, the issue has been pushed to one side to allow the government to concentrate on more urgent matters but few people are buying that line of spin. The Chancellor is claiming a victory for his point of view but nobody is buying his spin, either.
The Vice-Prez Still Doesn't Get It
A haggard Vice-Prez Blair is in full defiance mode and he can't understand why the people aren't going along with his war plans. But what he doesn't seem capable of grasping is that it's not the strength of his convictions that the people are questioning -- it's his competence.
NEED SOME HOMEWORK DONE??
Write TODAY to Homework, 10 Downing Street, London, SW1.
Welcome to FRIDGELAND!
Let the Fridge be with you when you visit us at Meacher, Lewes, Sussex, to view this largest part of the UK's collection of fridges awaiting recycling. Assembled at great expense to the British taxpayer, the Heritage Ministry is currently seeking National Lottery funding for this magnificent opus with a view to preserving it as a fine example of modern sculpture. The expectation is that the site will soon be designated Tate Meacher by the Arts Council.
Admission FREE to all bogus asylum seekers.
Special Offer for February 2003 : 4 admissions for the price of 5 for families.
|Created for Romiley Anarchists' League by workers in revolt against oppression.|
Sole © RAL, February 2003.